Pearl Swine

Cheney's Loverly

2007-07-11T09:53:00.002-07:00

Check out Pulitzer Prize-winning cartoonist Walt Handelsman's latest animation.

It's Unofficially Official

2007-07-03T15:02:00.000-07:00

I say if Bloomberg let himself get photographed hugging a hot dog, he can't possibly be considering a run for the presidency. Everybody knows you have to be president already to allow yourself to look that stupid.

R.I.P., Mickey Mouse Lookalike

2007-06-29T11:57:00.000-07:00

This just in from the AP:

A Mickey Mouse lookalike who preached Islamic domination on a Hamas-affiliated children's television program was beaten to death in the show's final episode Friday. In the final skit, "Farfour" was killed by an actor posing as an Israeli official trying to buy Farfour's land. At one point, the mouse called the Israeli a "terrorist."
"Farfour was martyred while defending his land," said Sara, the teen presenter. He was killed "by the killers of children," she added...

Station officials said Friday that Farfour was taken off the air to make room for new programs. Station manager Mohammed Bilal said he did not know what would be shown instead.

An afternoon casting session scheduled by Hamas to find a SpongeBob Squarepants lookalike has reportedly been canceled due to a general unwillingness among available actors to be beaten to death on a children's program.

2007 Summer Camp Guide

2007-06-11T10:20:00.002-07:00

Walt Handelsman's latest animation.

Maybe It's Just Me...

2007-05-16T20:30:00.000-07:00

... but these may be two of the worst pictures a candidate has ever willingly posed for in the history of politics. Why not just adopt the slogan, "Vote for me -- I'm winded". It's like he's wearing "Defeat" cologne.

Off We Go

2007-05-13T07:48:00.000-07:00

Here's Walt Handelsman's latest animation. Make that 2007 Pulitzer Prize-winning Walt Handelsman's latest animation.

It's Nothing To Be Embarrassed About

2007-05-12T19:02:00.000-07:00

Republican presidential candidate Tommy Thompson apologized today, telling reporters that the reason he mistakenly expressed support for the right of an employer to fire a gay worker at a May 3 GOP debate was because he couldn't hear, didn't feel good and had to pee. While these excuses hit some observers as lame, vaguely unpresidential and unbelievably icky, supporters of the former Health and Human Services Secretary say this line of defense wasn't without precedent. According to presidential historians, Warren G. Harding blamed the Teapot Dome Scandal on a worrisome anal discharge, Herbert Hoover pointed to painful and bloody hemorrhoids as causing the Great Depression, while Richard Nixon is said to have blamed Watergate on a combination of flatulence, bad breath and a persistently itchy scrotum.

Virgin Billionaire Flashes His Tips to Canada

2007-04-25T12:33:00.000-07:00

Kudos to Virgin Group founder Richard Branson for his 'Flick Off' initiative, which is attempting to educate Canadians about the effects of global warming. My guess is the campaign will be much, much more successful with people who see his sign up close and far, far less successful with people who see the sign from a distance. I can honestly admit that I never saw the 'power on" symbol as an upraised middle finger before, so there's progress, I guess.

Sorry, New Mexico, But I'm Not Enchanted

2007-04-24T19:25:00.000-07:00

New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson announced the final recommended design for his state's commemorative quarter today and I have to say, I'm pretty disappointed. I mean, why would they go with a map of the state, a zia symbol and the words "Land of Enchantment" awkwardly squeezed in at the bottom...

... when they could have gone with this beauty?

I mean, what says "I love my state" better than a mushroom cloud and a bomb packing the destructive force of 21,000 tons of TNT? Land of Enchantment? Please. Try Land of Missed Opportunities.

That's Rich, I'll Say

2007-04-23T12:45:00.000-07:00

According to the Associated Press , in deference to the Virginia Tech tragedy, President Bush "passed up any attempt to be funny at the House Correspondents' Association dinner Saturday." It would appear impersonator and feature act Rich Little made much the same decision.

Welcome to the Club, Walt

2007-04-16T13:03:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to Walt Handelsman on winning his second Pulitzer Prize for editorial cartooning, this one for Newsday. Granted, whatever hardware they give you still won't hold a candle to this impressive little baby I bagged back in '73...

... but I guess a Pulitzer's still good.

Baraaaaaaaaaack Obama!

2007-04-04T10:22:00.000-07:00

Walt Handelsman's latest animation.

Another Pesky Leftover Problem Solved

2007-03-23T16:40:00.000-07:00

Orange County District Attorney Tony Rackauckas announced yesterday that law enforcement officials had charged six Chinese nationals and a U.S. citizen with what the L.A. Times reported as "pimping and operating 10 brothels staffed by women from China in what authorities said was the largest prostitution investigation ever in Orange County."

"In an apparent effort to economize," the article went on to say, "customers used plastic food wrap instead of condoms. Jian Shi, a 49-year-old Montebello resident and the alleged ringleader, bought 7,500 square feet of plastic wrap over a two-month period, Rackauckas said."

Added District Attorney Rackauckas: "I really don't think about [plastic wrap] in the same way any more," demonstrating yet again that Orange County District Attorney Rackauckas is clearly the funniest district attorney in Orange County.

Pure, Unadulterated, Grade-A Evil

2007-03-15T21:06:00.000-07:00

During testimony at a military tribunal at Guantanamo Bay that was released by the Pentagon on Wednesday, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed claimed involvement in 31 terrorist attacks and plots, including the Sept. 11, 2001 attacks in the United States, the truck bombing of the World Trade Center in 1993, the beheading of journalist Daniel Pearl in Pakistan, the Bali nightclub bombing in 2002, the plot to use shoe bombs to blow up two American planes in 2001, the post-Sept. 11 round of skyscraper attacks targeting the Library Tower in Los Angeles, the Sears Tower in Chicago, the Plaza Bank building in Seattle and the Empire State Building in New York City, and plots to assassinate President Bill Clinton, Pakistani president Gen. Pervez Musharraf and Pope John Paul II.

Mohammed, who was captured by American forces four years ago, also confessed that it was his idea to leave a fading Pedro Martinez on the mound during the final game of the 2003 American League Championship Series between the Yankees and the Red Sox, his decision not to cancel several Jet Blue flights last month, which resulted in some passengers being forced to wait on planes for up to ten and a half hours, and that he was the one who convinced ABC that "Lost" would not suffer in the ratings if network executives took the show off the air for thirteen weeks earlier this year.

Political Reality Show

2007-03-13T10:04:00.000-07:00

Walt Handelsman's latest animation.

Fun Quiz

2007-03-06T21:24:00.000-08:00

Choose the correct answer. The photo above shows:

a) The first clothing-free workout session at a Dutch gym;

b) An exercise program designed exclusively for PETA protesters;

c) What the janitors at your local health club are doing after the place closes for the night.

You Can Judge a Man By His Shoes

2007-02-22T16:35:00.000-08:00

Worst. Vice Presidential Shoes. Ever.

Stay classy, Dick.

Political Fashion Show

2007-02-13T16:41:00.000-08:00

Walt Handelsman's latest animation.

More Proof That the Fine Art of Conversation is Dead

2007-02-06T11:20:00.000-08:00

According to the charging affidavit filed by Orlando police, NASA astronaut Lisa Novak was not trying to cause any bodily harm to fellow astronaut Colleen Shipman when she approached her at the Orlando International Airport but merely "wanted to scare her into talking with her." Orlando Police Department spokesperson Sergeant Barbara Jones, however, disagreed, telling the online edition of the London Times that, “If you were just going to talk to someone, I don’t know that you would need a wig, a trench coat, an air cartridge BB gun and pepper spray.”

Wow. That Sergeant Jones must a real giggle to chew the fat with. I mean, how can you say you've truly had a meaningful conversation unless at some point during the discussion someone gets maced in the face and attacked with a steel mallet and a four-foot length rubber tubing?

The Food's Good But the Service in This Place Sucks

2007-01-30T09:43:00.000-08:00

With the end of his term looming and the prospect of an endless stretch of long empty days ahead of him, President Bush appeared to begin his search for appropriate post-presidential employment Tuesday morning when he took breakfast orders at the Sterling Family Restaurant in Peoria, Ill.

Just as I Always Suspected

2007-01-25T13:28:00.000-08:00

It only works if you drink the Kool-Aid at the same time.

Augmentation, Escalation, What's the Difference?

2007-01-23T10:40:00.000-08:00

Walt Handelsman's latest animation.

Dear Mr. Little

2007-01-19T15:57:00.000-08:00

The San Francisco Chronicle reports that the White House Correspondents Association has announced a "decidedly safer headliner for this year's April 21 bash: impressionist Rich Little, mimic of dozens of celebrities -- most of whom are dead." The Las Vegas Review-Journal adds that "organizers of the event made it clear they don't want a repeat of last year's controversial appearance by Stephen Colbert, whose searing satire of President Bush and the White House press corps fell flat and apparently touched too many nerves." Noting that the association "got a lot of letters," Mr. Little vowed on Tuesday "I won't even mention the word 'Iraq.'"

In an effort to make the president's evening more enjoyable, here are some other words and phrases Mr. Little might want to avoid:

Bring 'em on
Heckuva job
Brownie
Worst
Worst president
Worst president ever
Illegal
Wiretapping
Illegal wiretapping
Greet us as liberators
Stay the course
Weapons of mass destruction
Dead or alive
As they stand up
We stand down
Iraq's oil will pay for the war
I looked into his soul
Reformer with results
Compassionate conservatism
Mission accomplished
Winning the war
Definitely winning the war
Not losing the war
Mistakes were made
Exit strategy

Examining Our Chances for Success in Iraq

2007-01-17T10:57:00.000-08:00

Keep looking, sir.

Why the Long Face, Senator Stevens?

2007-01-13T09:24:00.000-08:00

It was all smiles in the Oval Office yesterday as legislators and administration officials witnessed Pres. Bush sign the Magnuson-Stevens Fishery Conservation and Management Reauthorization Act of 2006 into law. The lone exception to the shits and giggles was Sen. Ted Stevens of Alaska, who was either unhappy at being posed in the photo equivalent of Siberia or pissed that everyone was laughing at his crappy gray pants.

Last Throes of Employment

2006-12-15T16:31:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure what everyone found so funny today at the Armed Forces Full Honor Review in honor of outgoing Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. I'd kind of like to believe it was when Vice President Dick Cheney referred to Rumsfeld as "the finest secretary of defense this nation has ever had" and that even Rumsfeld himself had to giggle.

Maybe Bill O'Reilly Is Right

2006-12-13T14:36:00.000-08:00

Maybe there really is a war on Christmas.

Walt's Handy Holiday Gift Guide

2006-12-11T11:17:00.000-08:00

Walt Handelsman's latest animation.

Stay the Course, Which is the New Way Forward

2006-12-09T07:48:00.000-08:00

In his weekly radio broadcast today, President Bush thanked the Iraq Study Group for alerting the nation to the "grave situation we face in Iraq" but failed to acknowledge the commission's powerful and often scathing criticism of his war policies. Meanwhile, the White House underscored the president's recent assertion to Bob Woodward that he would not withdraw from Iraq "even if Laura and Barney are the only ones supporting me" by releasing a photo showing not only Laura and Barney but Miss Beazley and Willie the cat at an Iraq War pep rally held in front of the First Family's Christmas tree.

Reflecting Badly

2006-12-08T11:00:00.000-08:00

Former Education Secretary and conservative pundit William J. Bennett, commenting on yesterday's release of the Iraq Study Group's findings, wrote that "In all my time in Washington I've never seen such smugness, arrogance, or such insufferable moral superiority." It should be noted, however, that the outspoken public moralist who reportedly lost millions gambling in Vegas and said the beheading of drug dealers would be "morally plausible" does famously live in a house without a single mirror.

Bad News, Kiddies

2006-12-06T14:15:00.000-08:00

Santa sailed into Groton, Conn., today aboard the fast-attack submarine USS Albuquerque, signaling to youngsters that unlike in previous years, naughtiness will not only not be tolerated, it may result in a barrage of long-range, subsonic cruise missiles.

Oh, Yeah, And Thank You SO MUCH for All The Food You Put On The Paper Towel For Me

2006-12-04T10:58:00.000-08:00

The Associated Press reports that in an effort to convince employees to lead healthier lives, companies like Replacements, Ltd. in Greensboro, N.C., are encouraging employees to bring their dogs to work with them to "encourage mental wellness." Pictured above we see Charmin, a 6-year-old Bichon, contemplating suicide as he waits for his owner to turn around.

It's Around Here Somewhere

2006-12-03T21:10:00.000-08:00

The singing of the National Anthem at the 2006 Kennedy Center Honors tonight gave us a pretty good idea of where everybody's heart was located. Vice President Dick Cheney, of course, did his best to approximate.

Protection Racket

2006-11-30T10:16:00.000-08:00

Sometimes even the most responsible people find themselves caught unprepared. So really, what could possibly be more reassuring than knowing that tucked away somewhere in your purse or wallet is that condom you were once handed on the street by some random guy in a bright red condom costume?

Midterm's Greatest Hits

2006-11-29T12:19:00.000-08:00

Walt Handelsman's latest animation.

The New Presidential Dollar Coins are Here! The New Presidential Dollar Coins are Here!

2006-11-20T10:54:00.000-08:00

Scheduled to enter circulation on Feb. 15, four days before President's Day, the new presidential dollar coins will be gold like the Sacajawea dollar coin, slightly larger than a quarter like the Sacajawea dollar coin and have the same thickness as both the Sacajawea dollar coin and the Susan B. Anthony dollar coin.

Now before you go crapping all over the new presidential dollar coin's chances to break the "Peace Dollar curse", remember this -- the new presidential dollar coin has a few huge advantages that those two loser dollar coins didn't have. According to the U.S. Mint, the new presidential coin will rotate designs, with four -- count 'em, four! -- new presidential dollars each year, starting in 2007. Boo ya! Also, the dollar coin will have writing on its edge instead of just on its front and back for the first time in more than 70 years! And as if that's not all, according to USA Today, the writing will be "engraved but will be detectable by touch." That's detectable by touch, people.

As USA TODAY writes: "Those two features, particularly the rotation of the coins, will lead to excitement about the money in a way that wasn't generated before, [Mint Director Edmund] Moy says."

But he had more to say and this is what should give us all hope for what many have already nicknamed "the Prezzy". (Okay, so maybe they haven't nicknamed it that, but they should). If people start collecting them and seeking them out, Moy said, "we hope that one positive benefit of that is that they'll start using them more and say, 'Hmmm, this isn't as bad as we thought.' "

Keep the faith, Mint Director Moy. I'm certain they're not nearly as bad as we thought. Not by a longshot.

The Administration... Unplugged

2006-11-14T13:56:00.000-08:00

If you'd been in a coma for the past week and someone showed you this picture after you woke up, who would you guess won the mid-term elections last Tuesday? Cheney looks like someone pulled the cork out of him and Bush looks like one of those moon bouncers after someone kicked the plug out of the wall.

Florence Nightingale Had It Easy

2006-11-14T13:46:00.000-08:00

Okay, add this to the list of jobs I'm not interested in -- delivering drive-thru flu shots to topless old guys in Oklahoma.

It's His "Thing"

2006-11-09T13:10:00.000-08:00

Okay, so it would appear that Sen. Allen brought his ball to his concession speech today. Well, because I can afford to be generous on this wondrous morning, I'm going to try and look at the defeated incumbent's gesture as if it's not as pathetic and infantile as it seems. After all, I guess there's a very, very small part of me that thinks maybe the guy should be commended for committing to a lame-ass bit for as long as he has. I mean, maybe expecting George Allen to appear in public without his little football would be like, oh I don't know, asking Gallagher to go out on stage without his watermelons and sledgehammer, or Carrot Top to dye his hair blue and be funny.

*****UPDATE*****UPDATE*****UPDATE*****UPDATE*****

Please, oh please let this mean that Sen. Allen is symbolically dumping the crappy football shtick and not just passing the sickness on to the next generation.

Thank You, Virginia!

2006-11-08T10:42:00.000-08:00

You really came through for me and I owe you. Big time. Wish I could say these morning-after pictures show Sen. Allen taking his ball and going home but I'm starting to think that may require surgery.

It's A Hard Rain A-Gonna Fall

2006-11-08T10:30:00.000-08:00

Rest In Pieces, GOP-controlled House. Thanks for making 12 years seem like an eternity.

Sacred... and Adorable

2006-11-07T14:20:00.000-08:00

Indeed, Republican U.S. House candidate Bruce Whalen of South Dakota, children are sacred -- if by "sacred" you mean that if you dress them up and dangle them at passing cars, they're a terrific way to get people to vote for you.

The Election's In the Bag

2006-11-06T15:25:00.000-08:00

Gosh -- I can't imagine a better time to buttonhole a potential voter than when she's pushing two toddlers and a cart full of groceries to her car. Here's a tip for Fla. State Sen. Ron Klein and U.S. Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz, D-Fla. -- next time? At least help her unload.

Fun Game!

2006-11-06T13:43:00.000-08:00

Quick -- which is incumbent Democratic U.S. Sen. Joseph I. Lieberman currently running as an independent against Ned Lamont and which is Jesse the bloodhound? Hint: Jesse's handler is pictured at the left.

I'm Warning You, Good People of Virginia...

2006-11-06T12:17:00.000-08:00

... you vote this guy back into office, you'll only have yourselves to blame because he ain't never letting go of that thing. What an embarrassment.

An Irony Free Presidency

2006-11-05T22:24:00.000-08:00

To paraphrase Freud... sometimes a piece of corn with a hole in it is just a piece of corn with a hole in it. And not just about the most perfect visual metaphor for what the president has been doing to this country for the past six years.

I Beg You, Virginia...

2006-11-04T09:32:00.000-08:00

... please don't reelect George Allen. But don't do it for me. Do it for the sports equipment. It's just not designed to hold up under all that desperate campaigning and pathetic pandering. I'm telling you, the man's one sweaty photo-op away from a puncture that can't be patched.

Wonder If They Cut Up His Meat For Him, Too

2006-11-03T10:20:00.000-08:00

Boy, nothing says "I'm a formidable candidate for the U.S. Senate seat from Ohio and I want your vote" like letting yourself be photographed having a Chili's waitress put a plastic bib on you. Well played, Republican Sen. Mike DeWine. Well played.

Happy Halloween

2006-10-31T16:44:00.000-08:00

Best. Presidential Halloween Costume. Ever.

Americans Who Get It

2006-10-29T06:55:00.000-08:00

"Five years after September the 11th, too many Democrats still do not get it," Bush said. "The best way to protect the homeland is to find the enemy and defeat them overseas."

A new Associated Press-AOL News poll that found likely voters — angry at Bush and citing Iraq and the economy as their top issues — overwhelmingly prefer Democrats over Republicans. The poll found voters think Democrats would do a better job on Iraq by a 15-point margin."

Which makes me think that the number of Americans who do "get it" is roughly equal to the number of people who like to do this to their dogs because they think it makes them look "really cool."

Campaigning for Dummies

2006-10-27T11:34:00.000-07:00

Watch Walt Handelsman's latest animation and remember to vote Fleeber.

That Queasy Feeling

2006-10-26T13:33:00.000-07:00

Not exactly sure what was going on in Geneva, Ill. today with Dennis Hastert, but from these pictures it would appear that the embattled House Speaker did a little shoveling and then threw up. Then again, it could have been the two-and-a-half hours he recently spent being grilled about the Foley scandal by the House ethics committee. Or it was just a ribbon-cutting ceremony.

Coffee Lovers

2006-10-25T07:01:00.000-07:00

I like my coffee, too, but this is just stupid. Get a room, guys.

If He Wears Slippers, the Terrorists Win

2006-10-24T14:56:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of the official White House website, it now seems apparent from today's visit to War on Terror technology-supplier Gyrocam Systems in Sarasota, Florida, that while the president supports the War on Terror, he does draw the line at wearing the little blue booties.

And Such Modern, State-of-the-Art Surgical Equipment

2006-10-24T14:29:00.000-07:00

How far is too far? Thanks to Reuters, I can safely say that eyelash transplant surgery, which apparently involves slicing off a piece of a person's scalp in an effort to make her eyelashes longer, is just a skosh too far.

Behind Every Great Man (#3)

2006-10-23T08:16:00.000-07:00

My theory isn't that they keep Dick Cheney in a safe, undisclosed location. My theory is that he's actually inside that piece of furniture.

Behind Every Great Man (#2)

2006-10-20T11:55:00.000-07:00

Here's the Vice President speaking at a rally today at Camp Atterbury honoring Indiana Air and Army National Guard troops in Edinburgh, Ind. Does anyone remember the last time the guy was actually out and about rubbing elbows with the actual public? And by the way, this time doesn't count...

I Should Probably Start Whining Less

2006-10-19T11:16:00.000-07:00

According to Reuters, this photo shows Bangladeshi children playing near a pipe pumping mud into a low-lying area in Dhaka on October 18, 2006. Nothing like a shot of kids treating a geyser of pumped-in sludge as entertainment to make you feel you're a bit of a dick for complaining about virtually anything.

I'll Say This for the Guy...

2006-10-19T11:10:00.000-07:00

Sure knows how to make an entrance. Looks like he just slid his tushie out of an infant car seat. Which, of course, officially makes this the...

Least. Presidential. Car Exit. Ever.

It's Just a Flesh Wound

2006-10-18T18:10:00.000-07:00

Las Vegas gaming tycoon Steve Wynn recently poked a hole in "Le Reve", a 1932 painting by Pablo Picasso that the 64-year-old billionaire had just sold for 139 million dollars. Wynn's reaction upon discovering the two three-inch-long rips was reported to be, "Oh shit. Look what I've done." Which kind of makes me wish Steve Wynn was president. Because when Wynn pokes a hole through something irreplaceable...

... at least he's aware of what he's done.

Behind Every Great Man

2006-10-18T12:22:00.000-07:00

Just goes to prove that old saying -- eventually, we all get the backdrops we deserve.

It Comes Free with the Worst Presidency in History

2006-10-16T10:58:00.000-07:00

The above five-foot-high suitcase has been certified by the folks at the Guinness Book of World Records as the largest in the world and makes a perfect gift for the busy, on-the-go GOP candidate forced to campaign in the mid-term elections with the burden of a wildly unpopular president, a failed, increasingly bloody and wildly unpopular war in Iraq, a Congressional page sex scandal and any number of corruption charges. Concession speech and post-election job resume sold separately.

Congressional Pages and House Members

2006-10-13T12:01:00.000-07:00

Walt Handelsman's latest animation.

Does This Mean There's Also a Traditional Bavarian Exit Wound?

2006-10-12T15:27:00.000-07:00

Reuters says that after Russian President Vladimir Putin arrived for a dinner near Munich last night, he was welcomed by children dressed in "traditional Bavarian clothes" and given a "traditional Bavarian gun." I don't know what has me scratching my head more -- the questionable p.r. value of handing a firearm to Putin just days after the brutal murder of crusading Russian journalist Anna Politkovskaya or the fact that there's such a thing as a "traditional Bavarian gun".

Scottish Soccer Fan Bloodied But Not Kilt By Ukranian Hooligans

2006-10-11T23:01:00.000-07:00

What has the world come to when a man in a dress can't attend a soccer game without getting beaten up? Then again, the work boots and tube socks look ridiculous so maybe he had it coming.

Priceless

2006-10-11T10:54:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure you have to be of a certain age to feel this way but I find the images on this billboard in Ho Chi Minh City nothing short of astounding. If you don't get it, I can't explain, but here's a question: What are the chances that in 30-some-odd-years we'll see the same thing in Baghdad? Personally, I'd say it's rather unlikely. But then again... a Visa ad in Ho Chi Minh City?

Now What Was That Old Expression?

2006-10-09T20:00:00.000-07:00

Oh, right. You've come a long way, baby.

Sometimes The Decider Also Listens

2006-10-09T12:04:00.000-07:00

I suppose it's progress, of a sort. North Korea reportedly detonates a nuclear bomb and Pres. Bush immediately announces he "remains committed to diplomacy." Then to underscore the point that he's learned from his mistakes (see Iraq, The War in) and is now open to talking his way out of future conflicts, he lets photographers record him jumping on the Oval Office horn to jaw with Chinese President Hu Jintao about how the world should respond.

I wish him luck, of course. But as we saw last April, when it comes to the Chinese, diplomacy doesn't appear to our president's strongest suit.

Okay, So What Are You Gonna Do About It?

2006-10-06T10:11:00.000-07:00

Took me a while but I finally figured out what was so familiar about this picture. Turns out it's the exact same facial expression, body language and general aura of petulant aggression that the dipshit in my third grade class threw at me after I confronted him for stealing my Frito Bandito eraser out of my desk. Didn't care that the weight of evidence was overwhelmingly against him. Couldn't have mattered less that I could see one of Senor Bandito's rubbery pistols sticking out of his pocket. And he really didn't give two shits that I loved that eraser more than life itself. All that did matter was that I wanted it, he had it, and there wasn't anything I could do about it.

In case anyone's curious, the reason for Pres. Bush's "Geez, don't you douchebags get it?" demeanor in the photo is that he was attempting to explain how U.S. employers adding only 51,000 jobs in September when the market expected many, many more was actually a good thing for the country. At least I assume that's what he was trying to do. Who's listening any more?

Two Dumps Separated By Half a Continent

2006-10-05T16:05:00.000-07:00

In Minnesota today, Vandale Amos Willis, 28, told a judge he was "sorry" and that he took "full responsibility for everything I did in Duluth", adding only that he hoped the judge would put him on probation rather than send him to prison. Incidentally, what Mr. Willis "did" in Duluth was spread his feces around a courtroom while on trial for the importation of a controlled substance.

Meanwhile, in Washington D.C. today, Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert also took responsibility for his actions, namely allowing the Foley sex scandal to occur during his watch. However, upon declaring that "the buck stops where I'm at" and that he's "sorry that [the contact Foley and the pages] happened", a defiant Hastert refused to step down as House speaker and immediately blamed Democrats, operatives aligned with Bill Clinton, George Soros and ABC News for the scandal.

So in case you're scoring at home, the Minnesota poop artist and convicted drug felon somehow managed to come off as more sincere, contrite and sympathetic than the leader of the House of Representatives.

TV Shows I'd Watch

2006-10-05T11:05:00.000-07:00

Oh if only. A team of hot-tempered, rough and tumble ultra-Orthodox detectives solving cases involving Sukkot-related crimes. I would so get a TiVo Season's Pass on that one.

Heckuva Picture, Bushie

2006-10-04T13:18:00.000-07:00

Worst. Photo-op. Ever.

A Riddle Wrapped Up In an Enigma, But Now Breathing Freely

2006-10-03T21:01:00.000-07:00

Thanks to China and its week-long National Day holiday, we finally have some clarification on how to properly thread a snake through one's nose -- right pinkie extended, pull firmly by the tail. Duh.

What -- And Get Out of Show Business?

2006-10-03T12:03:00.000-07:00

According to the BBC, Frenchman Joel Bunot is staging a protest against war and landmines by lying on a bed of nails in Deak Square, Nagykanizsa, about 149 miles from Budapest. What the BBC did not indicate, however, is whether the woman sitting atop the landmine hating anti-war activist was participating in the protest at M. Bunot's request or simply a weary tourist looking to take a load off.

Big Pair of Shoes to Fill on the House Missing and Exploited Children's Caucus

2006-09-29T15:55:00.000-07:00

Here's a screenshot of Rep. Mark Foley's official website, grabbed at 3:34 PT...

As I recall, words such as "trustworthy" and "visionary" floated up as each of the pictures appeared, along with a few other such high-minded platitudes that the Republican congressman from Florida wished to associate himself with. Now here's a screenshot taken 10 minutes later.

You know, sometimes it feels like nothing ever changes in Washington. And then sometimes all it takes is ten minutes.

We Get It, Sen. George Allen -- You Trust Free People, Free Enterprise and You Love Football

2006-09-27T11:06:00.000-07:00

Stupidest. Family photo. Ever.

I Know Somebody in China Who Can't Wait For an Alternative Fuel Breakthrough

2006-09-26T10:41:00.000-07:00

Hate to be the one to tell Dong Changsheng of China's Jilin Province that with gas now below two bucks a gallon, there's probably no need for him to pull his car to work with his eyelids any more.

Dear Washington...

2006-09-20T13:57:00.000-07:00

I second that.

It's Sort of Freaking Me Out...

2006-09-16T09:40:00.000-07:00

... and I'm pretty sure Rick Santorum wouldn't approve.

Religion with a Bite

2006-09-14T09:48:00.000-07:00

Spitzel, Zorroline and Rocky Horror Werner von Braun gathered in a garden in the Bavarian village of Hailing yesterday to model a Pope Benedict XVI, a cardinal and a bishop costume, all designed by German fashion designer Hildegard Bergbauer. Among the questions that the session raises are why Bergbauer felt it necessary to design a line of religious apparel for dogs and... well, that's pretty much it.

Three and a Half Hours Later You Discover He's Taken All Your Cash

2006-09-13T17:52:00.000-07:00

Either Hasbro Games was in Times Square today promoting the newest edition of Monopoly or this guy is the most conspicuous, least effective Three Card Monte-type scam artist to ever hit the sidewalks of New York City.

Who Knew E-Ticket Stood For Elderly?

2006-09-12T10:41:00.000-07:00

Visitors to Hong Kong Disneyland wore party hats today to celebrate the theme park's anniversary, officially marking one year as the The Oldest Place On Earth.

Political Football Season

2006-09-12T10:34:00.000-07:00

Walt Handelsman's latest animation.

That's Progress

2006-09-08T15:37:00.000-07:00

Actor Brad Pitt reveals in Esquire Magazine's October issue that he will consider marrying Angelina Jolie "when everyone else in the country who wants to be married is legally able." Pitt denied that this effectively meant he would never marry Jolie and that he'd actually become more comfortable with the concept of matrimony, noting that when asked a similar question last year, he said he'd marry the Academy Award-winning actress "when bats shoot out of my ass."

Hog Wild in America

2006-09-06T15:28:00.000-07:00

Some days you wake up and you think you live in the most advanced, most sophisticated country in the world. And then one day you come across a picture of a wild hog walking across the road leading to Pad 39B and the Space Shuttle Atlantis at the Kennedy Space Center in Cape Canaveral and you realize... no you don't.

Fun With Numbers

2006-09-05T10:00:00.000-07:00

According to a CNN poll released today, 76% of Americans describe themselves as "angry" about the way things are going in the country, while 54% of those polled said things in the U.S. are going either "pretty badly" or "very badly".

In an unrelated story, Condoleeza Rice told Essence Magazine that critics of the administration's Iraq policy were like "people who thought it was a mistake to fight the Civil War to its end and to insist that the emancipation of slaves would hold". She went on to say that she also felt sure "there were people who thought the Declaration of Independence was a mistake." This comes on the heels of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld comparing Iraqi war critics to Nazi appeasers.

So let's see -- opposing the war in Iraq means you're a pro-slavery Nazi sympathizer who hates the Declaration of Independence.

Awesome charm offensive, guys. Seriously. That really ought to get those numbers up.

You're Breaking Up

2006-09-03T08:59:00.000-07:00

Lassi Etelaetalo tossed his cell phone 97 yards to win the World Mobile Phone Throwing Championship held in Savonlinna, Finland yesterday. Kudos to Mr. Etelaetalo but I'm happy to see they're giving youngsters a chance to compete, too. I didn't start throwing my cell phone until I was well into my adult years and while blinding rage will always be the foundation of any great cell phone toss, I certainly could have benefitted from a little technique, as well.

Pres. Bush's Heckuva Job Tour '06

2006-09-03T08:32:00.000-07:00

The latest from Walt Handelsman.

That's Another Way to Go

2006-08-24T07:48:00.000-07:00

According to Reuters, medical officials in Bangkok promoted the safety of eating Thai poultry yesterday by donning chicken outfits and holding signs that read "eating cooked chicken is safe." Okay... but couldn't they have just, oh I don't know, eaten chicken?

Craptastic Journalism, LA Times!

2006-08-21T15:31:00.000-07:00

From today's Los Angeles Times:

Councilwoman Perry Attends to Civic Doody

Yes, this is an actual headline. Yes, the story that accompanies this actual headline is about how LA City Councilwoman Jan Perry picked up human poop from a sidewalk. And yes, it is the...

Worst. Headline. Ever.

By The Way, Indonesia?

2006-08-20T07:34:00.000-07:00

I'd like to point out to the cracker-nibbling, clueless-how-to-celebrate-
Independence-Day nation of Indonesia, that the above picture shows a jubilant, ketchup-smeared Mr. Don Drenski shortly after he won the "bobbing for burgers" contest yesterday at the National Hamburger Festival in Akron, Ohio. I'd also like to point out that: a) this is what a real food-eating competition is supposed to look like and it wasn't even Independence Day in Akron; b) the burgers that contestants were bobbing for were plastic; and c) this picture absolutely makes me sick to my stomach. So come on, Indonesia -- if you start now, you can make your 62nd anniversary of independence from Dutch colonial rule something memorable.

Gorging on Freedom

2006-08-19T23:02:00.000-07:00

Sixty one years of independence from Dutch colonial rule and Indonesia celebrates it with a stupid cracker eating contest? That doesn't make me want to vomit at all. Guess it takes a couple hundred more years of independence before you get your traditions down right.

Broken Borders

2006-08-19T12:16:00.000-07:00

A future border patrol agent is shown here learning how to subdue heavily-padded undocumented aliens at the U.S. Border Patrol Training Academy in Artesia, New Mexico. One can only hope that once they've mastered that difficult training technique, they'll be equipped to crack down on the less heavily padded but still quite dangerous undocumented aliens who are systematically buying up all our best Star Trek memorabilia.

How Does Iraq Look Through Those?

2006-08-16T14:11:00.000-07:00

That makes perfect sense. Rose-colored safety glasses.

How Much More Can We Take?

2006-08-14T10:37:00.000-07:00

Sorry, Thomas Paine, but these are the times that try men's souls. Former pop icon Boy George is now sweeping the streets in New York City...

Garfield the Cat is actually a young Chinese man and occasionally a young Chinese woman...

And thanks to U.S. travel restrictions, I apparently missed Fidel Castro/Hugo Chavez Bobblehead Night in Havana..

News That's Both Informative and Yummy

2006-08-11T09:55:00.000-07:00

Not to bite the hand that doesn't even come close to feeding me, but doesn't this picture from Reuters showing late Chairman Mao Zedong "sipping" from a McDonald's drink cup strike you as kind of a, oh what's the word, stupid way of illustrating a story about how "China's annual consumer inflation unexpectedly fell in July to 1.0 percent from 1.5 percent in June"?

It's kind of like using this picture...

... to make the point that the Italian economy is "holding up well" under the Premier Romano Prodi and heading for its best performance in five years . Or using this photo...

... to illustrate, oh I don't know, how easy it would be to crush George Washington's head.

Sorry, Kids

2006-08-10T12:17:00.000-07:00

Okay, I totally get the new security rules covering shampoos and other liquids. But we have to check kids now, too?

Maybe Dog Hair Makes Him Angry?

2006-08-10T11:45:00.000-07:00

Above we see a photo of the passenger seat of Maurice Clarett's SUV taken after the former Ohio State star running back was arrested early Wednesday morning in Columbus, Ohio. The 6-foot, 245-pound Clarett was seen driving erractically, which led to a highway chase that only ended when police spiked his tires and subdued the athlete with pepper spray. A spokesman said officials are currently investigating why Clarett was wearing a bulletproof vest at the time of the incident and why he was driving around with three loaded semiautomatic handguns and a loaded AK-47-type assault rifle in his car.

As for me, I'm kind of curious about the lint brush.

Ho Ho Holy Crap, It's Hot (#2)

2006-08-08T12:06:00.000-07:00

If you're looking for more proof that global warming's real, Santa's traded in the fleece and fur trim for a light cotton safari suit that breathes and he's shitcanned his reindeer for a team of zebras. Zebras, people.

We the Peephole

2006-08-07T23:34:00.000-07:00

Walt Handelsman's latest animation.