They Finally Got Their Man

The CIA announced today that it has been conducting a top-secret operation to topple the Communist regime of Fidel Castro since shortly after the disastrous Bay of Pigs invasion. Sources reveal that undercover agents have been placing slow-acting aging pills in President Castro's food since 1961. Even a cursory look at the evidence reveals the success of the program and that its effects on the Communist leader have been obvious and unmistakable. Below is a picture of Pres. Castro looking young and fit in the mid-1950's...


... and a photo of Pres. Castro taken today at a Mercosur trade bloc summit in Cordoba, Argentina looking much, much grayer, wrinkled, hunched over and tired.

An Inconvenient Yet Tasty Truth

One underreported upside to the whole global warming issue is the vastly increased number of photos showing animals beating the heat by eating food frozen in ice. (That being said, I'm still slightly repulsed by yesterday's "blood-flavoured ice lollies" thing.) Above, two-week-old miniature piglets Pinky and Perky dig in at Pennywell Farm and Wildlife centre near Buckfastleigh, south western England, while an unnamed polar bear at the Berlin Zoo vainly looks for something other than ice inside his "ice bomb".

Everything's Bigger in Texas

According to the Associated Press, the above pictures show State Preservation Board worker Joe Roberts cleaning the statue, 'Boy and His Eel,' by J.W. Fiske, on the grounds of the State Capitol in Austin, Texas on Friday, July 21, 2006.

According to me... heh? A boy and his eel? In Texas? Anyone out there care to explain this to me? Or do I basically get it?

You Need a License to Drive...

Really? Someone would put this around their kid's neck and think it was adorable? Really?

Hot and Tasty

The BBC is reporting that the UK's hottest July day in history was recorded today in Wisley, Surrey, where temperatures rose to a sweltering 97.7 degrees Fahrenheit. During the nation's recent scorching heat wave, schools have been shuttered, roads have been closed due to melting asphalt, railway lines have buckled and for some reason I can't figure out, zookeepers have handed out "blood-flavoured ice lollies" to their animals.

July 20 will also go down in history for the largest number of eggs fried on the bonnet of a car in the UK on a single July day. The previous record had been three.

Throw In Some Dogs and a Trench While You're At It

The House of Representatives passed legislation yesterday that would prevent judges from hearing cases seeking to remove a reference to God in the Pledge of Allegiance. In 2002, an appeals court ruled that the phrase "under God" represented an endorsement of religion and was in violation of the U.S. Constitution. The decision was later struck down by the U.S. Supreme Court on procedural grounds, but conservatives have been attempting since that time to prevent "activist judges" from tampering with the wording of the pledge in the future.

"We're creating a fence. The fence goes around the federal judiciary. We're doing that because we don't trust them," said Missouri Rep. Todd Akin.

Hmm. Building fences around things you don't trust. "Concentrating", as it were, those elements in our society that we fear might harm or weaken us. Interning them, if you will, to keep the rest of us safe. Interesting metaphor, Rep. Akin. Arresting imagery. Keep up the good work.

Christmas in July

I'm not totally sure I have this right but I think I just saw on the wire that they're remaking "A Christmas Story," only this time with an all-monkey cast. Above, a Hulman langur recreates the famous "Flick gets his tongue stuck on a flagpole after being triple-dog-dared" scene, except instead of a flagpole, it's a tutti frutti ice bomb with frozen fruit inside. I, for one, wish Christmas would hurry up and get here already.

Get Me One That Doesn't Cry When I Hold Him

In announcing that he was casting the first veto of his presidency, Pres. Bush surrounded himself with 18 families who "adopted" unused frozen embryos donated by other couples. As reported by the Associated Press, the president said legislation recently passed by Congress to ease limits on federal funding for embryonic stem cell research "crosses a moral boundary," adding that "these boys and girls are not spare parts."

Spare parts? No. Cheap political props? Most certainly.

Take Me Out to the Ball Game

Okay, I'm as big a Red Sox fan as the next guy -- if the guy next to me happens to be a Red Sox fan -- but what's the deal with these mascots? Seems to me that if you're going to invite U.S. Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer, his wife and his 3-year-old granddaughter to throw out the ceremonial first pitch at Fenway, you trot out the reliably asexual Wally the Green Monster, not a couple of mascots that look vaguely, you know, tumescent.

All The News That's Fit to Print (Minus an Inch and a Half)

The New York Times Co. announced today that it's going to trim the width of its newspaper by an inch and a half. If my mock-up above is at all accurate -- and I have no reason to think it isn't -- the paper will be much, much faster to read and three quarters less depressing.

The Man's Got Eyes Like a Hawk

Having already looked Russian President Vladimir Putin in the eye and declared him "very straightforward and trustworthy" during a 2001 visit, President Bush looked Pres. Putin in the forehead over the weekend but this time was unable to "get a sense of his soul." Pres. Bush did, however, strongly recommend that the Russian leader have a "funny-looking" mole checked out by a dermatologist as soon as possible.

Not a Dry Diaper in the House

Gee, an event called The Parade of the Giants and the Big Heads is scaring the crap out of kids. Go figure.

Roman Hands and Russian Fingers

Okay, it's official -- someone needs to hose down Russian President Vladimir Putin.

That's One Stuck Pig

I'm not even going to bother with the metaphors this time. Too easy.

Okay, I'm Done

I'd say these photos are kind of a metaphor for our involvement in Iraq -- the "You Break It, You Diaper It" theory, if you will. Unfortunately it really doesn't work, since we clearly don't have anyone to hand Iraq off to now that it's started to cry and stink.

Milking the Bit

Question to the New York Times: At what point does a "surprise visit" by an American official to Iraq stop being described as a "surprise" and start being referred to by a more ordinary, workaday terms -- say, an "unplanned" or an "unscheduled" visit? Because it's not like the Times is doing it occasionally. I did a quick search of the paper and came up with the following stories over the past year or so (boldface mine):

July 13, 2006

General Casey appeared at a news conference here with Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld, who made a surprise visit to American troops at an air base in Balad, north of Baghdad, before meeting with Mr. Maliki in the capital to discuss plans to improve this city’s deteriorating security.

June 19, 2006

Whether the task is plotting last week's surprise trip to Baghdad or improving the flow of information at meetings -- ''I actually spent a good hour or two thinking about the structure of the table,'' [Chief of Staff Josh Bolten] said of the Roosevelt Room -- few details have been too small to escape his notice.

April 26, 2006

On Wednesday, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld made a surprise visit to Baghdad -- his first in 2006 -- to meet with Jawad al-Maliki and other officials just days after the Shiite politician was selected as prime minister-designate. A spokesman for Mr. Rumsfeld said his visit was intended to offer support for the new government.

Dec. 19, 2005

Vice President Dick Cheney paid a surprise visit to Iraq, the opening move in the White House's extraordinary daylong effort to shore up public support for continued military involvement there. His visit came as insurgents' attacks in central and northern Iraq left at least nine people dead.

April 12, 2005

Mr. Rumsfeld's surprise visit [to Iraq], which was not announced in advance because of security concerns, is to include meetings with Jalal Talabani, the Kurdish militia leader who is the new president, and with Ibrahim al-Jaafari, the leader of a Shiite religious party who has been nominated to be prime minister. The daylong trip to Iraq will allow Mr. Rumsfeld to conduct the first face-to-face meetings by an American cabinet secretary with the new leaders since they were chosen.

Maybe this sounds like a quibble but doesn't "surprise visit" have a whiff of spin and p.r. to it? The impression it leaves is that these busy, important guys are graciously taking time out of their nutty schedules to treat the folks serving over there to a little unexpected but much appreciated face time.

Gee, thanks.

This Is What Happens When Scientists Try To Cross Over Into Fashion

Researchers claim they have successfully tested an Electro Encephalogram Measurement (or EEG) Cap or "mental typewriter" that can process electric impulses and enable a person to move or speak entirely through brain power. Though the neuromotor prosthetics technology represents a significant breakthrough, one scientist involved in the research is quick to point out that "considerable problems" remain, namely devising wireless technology that will reduce the risk of infection and coming up with a cap style that is less "unspeakably ugly."

The Feet Don't Lie

Least. Presidential shoes. Ever.

Sticking It To 'Em

According to the AP, more than 400 Virginia National Guards will be positioned along the Arizona border with Mexico from late July until September to assist the overwhelmed U.S. Border Patrol. The sand map pictured above was constructed as part of training exercises currently being conducted by the National Guard, in anticipation of what is expected to be a heavier-than-normal wave of colorful Mexican pushpins attempting to cross the border and take the jobs American thumbtacks, paper clips and duct tape don't seem willing to fill.

Fashion Victims

Wrestlers taking part in the annual Naadam Festival in the Mongolian capital of Ulan Bator show us why the Mongol empire finally came to an end -- the death of Genghis Kahn in 1227 and underwear that was simply too tight.

The Blame Game

Check out Walt Handelsman's latest animation.

All This Trouble Over 6,500 Dong

From the Associated Press:

HANOI, Vietnam - After nearly two decades of ridicule, a father has agreed to change his son's name from "Fined Six Thousand and Five Hundred" — the amount he was forced to pay in local currency for ignoring Vietnam's two-child policy.

Angry he was being fined for having a fifth child, Mai Xuan Can named his son Mai Phat Sau Nghin Ruoi after the amount he was forced to pay — 6,500 dong (50 cents), said Dai Cuong village chief Nguyen Huy Thuong.

In 1999, local government officials tried to persuade Can to change the name because the boy was constantly being teased by classmates at school. But Can, a former People's Committee official, refused to back down, Thuong said. They appealed to him again recently, and this time it worked.

"I told him that as his son is growing up, he should have another name — not that weird name — and he finally agreed," Thuong said.

The son, now 19, finally got a new name: Mai Hoang Long, which means golden dragon.

Too bad it doesn't mean "I Got My Ass Kicked Up And Down The Playground Because My Father Is A Cheap Asshole Who Couldn't Part With Fifty Cents."

Pig News

A two-mouthed pig, eh? Grover Norquist and the boys at the K Street Project can only dream.

Sure It's Disgusting But It Cost Less To Produce Than "Superman Returns"

According to Reuters, "hundreds of people are thronging to a hospital in the eastern Indian city of Kolkata to see a patient holding a piece of his own skull that fell off." Two thoughts here and then I have to go throw up. First, is it just me or does his flaked-off piece of scalp look like a map of Africa? And second, how bad are the entertainment options in Kolkata that a man holding a piece of his own skull is deemed throng-worthy?

Now I really do have to go throw up.

Are There Mirrors At The White House?

Least. Presidential shirt. Ever.

Sweatin' To The Oldies

I sure hope he didn't desecrate that cake because given the state of his shirt, I can't believe anyone was in much of a mood to eat it.

Because He Says So

Sen. Joseph Lieberman, running for re-election in Connecticut, announced today that he will stay in the race even if he loses the Democratic primary in August. "I'm essentially taking out an insurance policy," Lieberman told CNN. "I'm opening up an option that will guarantee me that I will be able to make my case to all the voters in Connecticut in November." Lieberman, 64, also told CNN he will not vacate his Senate office even if loses the general election in the fall, will continue to use the "Ten Items Or Less" line at the supermarket even if he has more than ten items in his cart, will still drive in the state's HOV lanes even if he is the only passenger in his car, will file a 1040EZ tax form with the IRS even if his taxable income exceeds $50,000 and is considering challenging the "one coupon per customer" restriction at his local car wash.

Happy Fourth!

Click on the box and set off some Freedom Fighters, on me. But remember to be careful, because just like their real-life counterparts, these freedom fighters shoot flaming balls.

She Ain't Heavy

Sandra Kullas and Margo Uusorg from Estonia beat out 39 other teams to take the world wife-carrying crown in Sonkajarvi, Finland on Saturday. Uusorg, 26, completed the course in a world-record 56.9 seconds, while Kullas, 19, clung to his back upside down with her legs around his neck. According to Reuters, the 11-year-old tournament is meant to "evoke the legend of robber Rosvo-Ronkainen who made people trying to join his gang run through a forest carrying heavy sacks."

The only thing I find surprising about all this is why there aren't more contestants. I mean, what wife doesn't dream of being thought of her husband's "heavy sack" or hang upside down with her face jammed in her hubby's sweaty ass-crack.

Blending In

Quite the chameleon, that Vice President Cheney. And so subtle. I mean, geez -- couldn't they have gotten a bigger flag?


***** UPDATE ***** UPDATED ***** UPDATE ***** UPDATE *****

Wow. Guess they could. Should never have doubted those proud Americans.

Sick Is The New Well

Doctors pronounced Dick Cheney "fit as a fiddle" after the vice president underwent routine medical tests at George Washington University Medical Center today to check on aneurysms on the backs of his knees and a high-tech pacemaker inserted in his chest in 2001. The vice president's office said Cheney's pacemaker is "functioning properly", that no irregular heartbeat had been detected and that the vice president would take a treadmill test in the fall.

Doctors did note that while they continue to be "troubled" by the huge deposits of evil around the vice president's unusually tiny heart, they felt the American public probably wasn't willing to give its approval to the lengthy impeachment proceedings that would be required to remove it.