But What I Really Want To Do Is Act

White House Press Secretary Tony Snow and White House Counselor Dan Bartlett are shown here preparing to audition for a revival of "No Time For Sergeants", the Ira Levin play adapted from the Mac Hyman novel that was first performed on Broadway in 1955. Based on the eyeglasses and Snow's goofier look in the helmet, it is believed Snow will try to land the Andy Griffith hillbilly role, while Bartlett will be going after the role of his nemesis, Sergeant Orville King.

Bush On Gay Marriage

Once again, Walt Handelsman explains all.

The Vegas Life Aquatic

Ah yes, sounds like they're making every dolphin's dream come true at the Mirage Hotel and Casino in Vegas these days. Just think of it -- they stick you in a swimming pool in the middle of the boiling hot desert where some dope in a rented wetsuit paying $500 to play "trainer for a day" gets to blow a whistle and flash you hand signals and forces you to jump, flip and dance for their pleasure. And then just when you think the worst is over, they make you kiss them. Almost makes getting caught accidentally in a fishing net seem not so horrible.

Rubbed Raw

Oh, PETA, look what you've started.

Sure, it starts innocently enough -- a naked anti-chicken, pro-vegetarian protest here, a naked anti-bullfighting protest there. Next thing you know, you got naked people pedalling around Manchester, England to protest against traffic jams...


... and naked people in Madrid protesting about how there aren't enough bicycle lanes...


It's getting to the point where a person can't go out naked in public without someone thinking he's got some kind of political axe to grind. Thanks, PETA. Thanks a lot. Guess I'll just find something else to do with my weekends.

*****UPDATE*****UPDATE*****UPDATE*****UPDATE*****


Uh, hello, Mexico City participants in the "World Naked Bike Ride" -- what part of "naked bike ride" don't you understand?

Apparently the "bike ride" part.

Naked Emotion

Wow, PETA's really committed to this naked thing, aren't they? Bit of advice for them, though. Next time, leave the dude home. Not because he's a dude, but because that is without question the worst fist-in-the-air gesture I've ever seen in my life. Where's the nutty, wild-eyed passion? The guy doesn't look angry about bullfighting at all. And what's the deal with the horns? On the women, they look pointed and perky. On him, they just look droopy and sad. Come on, PETA. Weed that bum out. Give us all a naked protest we can be proud of.

A Good Reason to Switch to Water

... although I don't think I could possibly love this video clip any more than I do. (Thanks, Road Rage Guy)

It's Hard to Leave and Even Harder to Come Back

Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan’s retirement hit a new low this morning when he showed up on Capitol Hill and attempted to testify before the U.S. Senate Foreign Relations Committee, despite the fact that he hadn’t been asked to testify and the committee wasn’t in session. Not wanting to insult the former Federal Reserve Chairman, members of the Senate janitorial staff who happened to be there cleaning up after a late-night pizza party attempted to listen attentively and nod at the appropriate times as Greenspan offered a grim view of the world's rising vulnerability to high crude oil prices and admitted he was skeptical that oil producers can pump enough crude to meet future demand. Greenspan then left, only to return later in the afternoon to report that someone had apparently stolen his wallet.

Hurts Bad, Tastes Good

Members of the Guatemalan Special Forces in Guatemala City today got what is being reported as a "massive brain freeze" moments after eating celebratory popsicles a little too quickly. The soldiers gobbled up the sweet, icy treats as they prepared to leave on a U.N. peacekeeping mission in the Democratic Republic of Congo. Officials would not disclose if any of the soldiers' tongues turned blue or red but there were a few unconfirmed complaints about generalized stickiness in the finger region.

Making the Skies Safe for Strap-Ons

The Daily Mail is reporting today that Special Ops forces may soon be using 6-foot-wide strap-on "stealth wings" that will allow them to be dropped undetected behind enemy lines. By switching from traditional parachutes to the lightweight carbon fiber mono-wings, elite forces will be almost impossible to spot as they glide 120 miles or more before landing. According to the manufacturers, the steerable ESG wing is '100 per cent silent' and 'extremely difficult' to track using radar. A previous model (pictured below) proved far less flightworthy and involved a great deal more falling, screaming and pleading for a quick death.

Love That Dare Not Ssssspeak Its Name

Yesterday brought news of some Indian chick marrying a cobra whose name was not provided. Today we hear that a six-year-old Cambodian boy named Oeun Sambat has announced to the world that he's best chums with a 16-foot-long, 6-year-old female python named Lucky and has been since the reptile moved in to his house in 2000.

If in fact our centuries-old aversion to snakes is finally coming to an end, then I'm going to break with tradition and use this site to run a personal ad. See, I've got this friend, his name is Greg, he's a great guy, been through some rough times that he's not proud of but he's cleaned himself up and says he's ready to give love a go again. So if there are any ladies out there willing to take a chance on a smart, loyal, fun-loving snake who hasn't lost his passion for life, he's available. Greg gave me this picture to use but he says it's a couple of years old and that he's lost some weight (and a little hair!) since then.

A Blushing June Bride

The AFP is reporting that a woman who fell in love with a snake married the cobra in a traditional Hindu wedding that was attended by 2,000 guests. Bimbala Das, 30, pictured above, exchanged vows or did whatever you do when you marry a snake last Friday. The reptile didn't actually attend the ceremony himself, managing to resist the efforts of priests who chanted mantras in an attempt to lure him from his ant hill home and forcing officials to substitute a brass replica of a snake as a last-minute, stand-in groom. "Whenever I put milk near the ant hill where the cobra lives, it always comes out to drink," Das told a reporter. "I always get to see it every time I go near the ant hill. It has never harmed me."

Three thoughts here. First, I hate to burst Mrs. Das-Snake's bubble but seems to me one ought to have a slightly higher standard for a spouse than "It has never harmed me." Second, I hope she realizes she referred to her new husband as "It". And third, the fact that she married a snake is actually slightly less bizarre than the fact that she got 2,000 people to attend the wedding. Hell, I can barely get 2,000 people to visit this stupid blog.

Incidentally, earlier this year, a tribal girl was married off to a dog on the outskirts of Bhubaneswar. Reports are that they're happy and doing well but are still a little behind on their thank-you cards.

Hold Me Closer, Tiny Racer

Two hundred Chihuahuas took part in the second annual PETCO Unleashed regional qualifying race in Richardson, Texas, today and damnit if they didn't look good doing it. A 6-pound short hair named Sam was the winner, racing 35 feet in 3.2 seconds. No contestants, spectators or wheels of cheese were reported injured.

*****UPDATE*****UPDATE*****UPDATE*****UPDATE*****

Things didn't go quite so smoothly at qualifying heats staged in Naperville, Illinois, where family pet and canine medic Chalupa was called on to apply a dose of medicinal saliva to his owner, Al Salinas Jr., after winning his regional final. Salinas was reported to be resting comfortably, while Chalupa complained of exhaustion and dryness of the mouth.

More Cheese

Here's another shot from this week's big cheese-rolling competition. Now I'm wondering if the big circles of cheese the winners received were the same ones they chased down that wet, sloppy hill.

Cheese Rolling: The Sport of Kings

Twenty-five people sustained injuries at an annual cheese-rolling competition held this week in the western England town of Brockworth, Gloucestershire. Dozens of contestants came from around the world to race 656 feet down a slope in an attempt to capture a wheel-shaped Double Gloucester cheese, which was decorated in a blue and red ribbon for the event. According to the AFP, 12 of the 25 people hurt were spectators, including one who was struck by what the reporter described as the "hard, dinner-plate-sized cheeses". Recent wet weather allowed the racers to slide rather than tumble head-over heels down the hill, which led organizer Richard Jeffries to declare, "It's been a very successful year". One of the winners of the five races was 18-year-old Chris Anderson, who knocked himself out in the process. "I just ran, fell and hit my head," he said. "I feel sore but it was definitely worth it."

Incidentally, the winner of each race wins... a big circle of cheese. All of which suddenly makes this sport...


... not seem half as stupid.

Attention All Football Hooligans

This is the thin blue line (actually it appears to be more of a thin black and green line, but whatever, stop splitting hairs) that stands between you and your lager-swilling, head-butting, ass-baring love of anarchy and general social disorder.


Consider yourselves warned.

In A Pickle Over PETA Protesters

Okay, this one has me a little conflicted. What we're looking at here are a pair of naked activists from PETA in Hamburg and they're apparently lying in coffins to protest the consumption of chickens. Love the naked thing, hate the coffin thing, have some friends who are vegetarians so I'm okay with that part, but not a fan of the PETA people. So for those of you keeping score at home, that's a big yes for naked vegetarians, but a big no for coffin-dwelling PETA-rians.

Huh. You know, I'm afraid I'm going to have to get back to everybody on this one. But feel free to try and sway me one way or the other.

Caught on Dittocam?

Can't say I know this for a fact and I really, really hate to start rumors... but has anyone actually seen Rush lately?

*****UPDATE*****UPDATE*****UPDATE*****UPDATE*****

J. Shot Waine comments:

The band or the blowhard?

I was going to say "Why, the blowhard, of course". But then I saw this:


Hmm. Guess it could be either. The mystery only deepens...

Can't Put Ethyl Chloride On That One

The Associated Press is reporting that a 41-year-old man from Kuala Lumpur is having his penis surgically reattached in a northern Malaysian hospital after severing it in an attempt to prove to his wife he was not having an affair. The man's 14-year-old son told the New Straits Times he heard loud screams, then saw his father emerge from his room bleeding profusely.

Geez. Talk about your wasted, empty gestures. Everyone knows the three surest signs you're cheating on your wife are when you: 1) order flowers for no good reason; 2) come home with lipstick on your collar and ladies' perfume on your clothes; and 3) sever your penis to prove you're not cheating on your wife.

Straining for Victory

To prove his strength, U.S. Sen. Charles Schumer today lifted a replica of the Stanley Cup over his head at the New York State Democratic Convention in Buffalo. Not to be outdone on the day she received her party's endorsement for Senate, U.S. Sen. Hillary Clinton attempted to lift former President Bill Clinton over her head. She was unsuccessful.

Sources close to Sen. Clinton are downplaying her inability to bench press her husband. But many within the party are worried that her vulnerability on the strength issue could impact her presidential aspirations, in light of televangelist Pat Robertson's recent claim that he can leg-press 2,000 pounds in his sneakered feet.

In a related story, there is still no word on the condition of Mr. Robertson's pants.

Who Could See That Coming?

The tallest building in Kazakhstan, a 32-story, 426-foot government-owned skyscraper nicknamed "the cigarette lighter", caught fire yesterday. Government officials sought to reassure those Kazakhstanis currently housed in the nation's second tallest skyscraper, nicknamed "the volatile grenade", that they had nothing to fear.