Okay, So What Are You Gonna Do About It?

Took me a while but I finally figured out what was so familiar about this picture. Turns out it's the exact same facial expression, body language and general aura of petulant aggression that the dipshit in my third grade class threw at me after I confronted him for stealing my Frito Bandito eraser out of my desk. Didn't care that the weight of evidence was overwhelmingly against him. Couldn't have mattered less that I could see one of Senor Bandito's rubbery pistols sticking out of his pocket. And he really didn't give two shits that I loved that eraser more than life itself. All that did matter was that I wanted it, he had it, and there wasn't anything I could do about it.

In case anyone's curious, the reason for Pres. Bush's "Geez, don't you douchebags get it?" demeanor in the photo is that he was attempting to explain how U.S. employers adding only 51,000 jobs in September when the market expected many, many more was actually a good thing for the country. At least I assume that's what he was trying to do. Who's listening any more?

Two Dumps Separated By Half a Continent

In Minnesota today, Vandale Amos Willis, 28, told a judge he was "sorry" and that he took "full responsibility for everything I did in Duluth", adding only that he hoped the judge would put him on probation rather than send him to prison. Incidentally, what Mr. Willis "did" in Duluth was spread his feces around a courtroom while on trial for the importation of a controlled substance.

Meanwhile, in Washington D.C. today, Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert also took responsibility for his actions, namely allowing the Foley sex scandal to occur during his watch. However, upon declaring that "the buck stops where I'm at" and that he's "sorry that [the contact Foley and the pages] happened", a defiant Hastert refused to step down as House speaker and immediately blamed Democrats, operatives aligned with Bill Clinton, George Soros and ABC News for the scandal.

So in case you're scoring at home, the Minnesota poop artist and convicted drug felon somehow managed to come off as more sincere, contrite and sympathetic than the leader of the House of Representatives.

TV Shows I'd Watch

Oh if only. A team of hot-tempered, rough and tumble ultra-Orthodox detectives solving cases involving Sukkot-related crimes. I would so get a TiVo Season's Pass on that one.

Heckuva Picture, Bushie

Worst. Photo-op. Ever.

A Riddle Wrapped Up In an Enigma, But Now Breathing Freely

Thanks to China and its week-long National Day holiday, we finally have some clarification on how to properly thread a snake through one's nose -- right pinkie extended, pull firmly by the tail. Duh.

What -- And Get Out of Show Business?

According to the BBC, Frenchman Joel Bunot is staging a protest against war and landmines by lying on a bed of nails in Deak Square, Nagykanizsa, about 149 miles from Budapest. What the BBC did not indicate, however, is whether the woman sitting atop the landmine hating anti-war activist was participating in the protest at M. Bunot's request or simply a weary tourist looking to take a load off.

Big Pair of Shoes to Fill on the House Missing and Exploited Children's Caucus

Here's a screenshot of Rep. Mark Foley's official website, grabbed at 3:34 PT...

As I recall, words such as "trustworthy" and "visionary" floated up as each of the pictures appeared, along with a few other such high-minded platitudes that the Republican congressman from Florida wished to associate himself with. Now here's a screenshot taken 10 minutes later.


You know, sometimes it feels like nothing ever changes in Washington. And then sometimes all it takes is ten minutes.

We Get It, Sen. George Allen -- You Trust Free People, Free Enterprise and You Love Football

Stupidest. Family photo. Ever.

I Know Somebody in China Who Can't Wait For an Alternative Fuel Breakthrough

Hate to be the one to tell Dong Changsheng of China's Jilin Province that with gas now below two bucks a gallon, there's probably no need for him to pull his car to work with his eyelids any more.

Dear Washington...

I second that.

It's Sort of Freaking Me Out...

... and I'm pretty sure Rick Santorum wouldn't approve.

Religion with a Bite

Spitzel, Zorroline and Rocky Horror Werner von Braun gathered in a garden in the Bavarian village of Hailing yesterday to model a Pope Benedict XVI, a cardinal and a bishop costume, all designed by German fashion designer Hildegard Bergbauer. Among the questions that the session raises are why Bergbauer felt it necessary to design a line of religious apparel for dogs and... well, that's pretty much it.

Three and a Half Hours Later You Discover He's Taken All Your Cash

Either Hasbro Games was in Times Square today promoting the newest edition of Monopoly or this guy is the most conspicuous, least effective Three Card Monte-type scam artist to ever hit the sidewalks of New York City.

Who Knew E-Ticket Stood For Elderly?

Visitors to Hong Kong Disneyland wore party hats today to celebrate the theme park's anniversary, officially marking one year as the The Oldest Place On Earth.

Political Football Season

Walt Handelsman's latest animation.

That's Progress

Actor Brad Pitt reveals in Esquire Magazine's October issue that he will consider marrying Angelina Jolie "when everyone else in the country who wants to be married is legally able." Pitt denied that this effectively meant he would never marry Jolie and that he'd actually become more comfortable with the concept of matrimony, noting that when asked a similar question last year, he said he'd marry the Academy Award-winning actress "when bats shoot out of my ass."

Hog Wild in America

Some days you wake up and you think you live in the most advanced, most sophisticated country in the world. And then one day you come across a picture of a wild hog walking across the road leading to Pad 39B and the Space Shuttle Atlantis at the Kennedy Space Center in Cape Canaveral and you realize... no you don't.

Fun With Numbers

According to a CNN poll released today, 76% of Americans describe themselves as "angry" about the way things are going in the country, while 54% of those polled said things in the U.S. are going either "pretty badly" or "very badly".

In an unrelated story, Condoleeza Rice told Essence Magazine that critics of the administration's Iraq policy were like "people who thought it was a mistake to fight the Civil War to its end and to insist that the emancipation of slaves would hold". She went on to say that she also felt sure "there were people who thought the Declaration of Independence was a mistake." This comes on the heels of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld comparing Iraqi war critics to Nazi appeasers.

So let's see -- opposing the war in Iraq means you're a pro-slavery Nazi sympathizer who hates the Declaration of Independence.

Awesome charm offensive, guys. Seriously. That really ought to get those numbers up.

You're Breaking Up

Lassi Etelaetalo tossed his cell phone 97 yards to win the World Mobile Phone Throwing Championship held in Savonlinna, Finland yesterday. Kudos to Mr. Etelaetalo but I'm happy to see they're giving youngsters a chance to compete, too. I didn't start throwing my cell phone until I was well into my adult years and while blinding rage will always be the foundation of any great cell phone toss, I certainly could have benefitted from a little technique, as well.

Pres. Bush's Heckuva Job Tour '06

The latest from Walt Handelsman.