An Open Letter to the Kansas State Board of Education

Dear Kansas State Board of Education:

Kudos and bravo! Your call for “greater criticism of evolution” in the science classroom is a breath of fresh air and long overdue. I can’t tell you how relieved I am to hear that someone else feels as I do that evolution needs to be taken down a peg or two. Stupid arrogant evolution. I mean, that theory’s been getting away with murder for years and I can’t believe it’s taken this long for a group as august and wise as yours to show the temerity to stand up and say, “Sorry, evolution, but you’re not getting away with it one second longer. I’m calling you out. Game on.”

It’s in the spirit of open-mindedness and sticking up for the little guy that you are so obviously trying to nurture, then, that I offer you some of my own criticisms of evolution that I’ve come up with over the years. Mind you, it’s a partial list. The full list would be far too large to reproduce here and to be honest, many of the problems I thought I had with evolution actually turned out to be problems with puberty and most of those have pretty much worked themselves out or I’ve learned to deal with them.

In any case, here are some of my criticisms of evolution that you should feel free to add to the ones that I’m sure you’ll soon be sharing with the youth of Kansas.

Bill Diamond’s Criticisms of Evolution

1. What the hell happened to our tails, prehensile or otherwise? Seems to me a tail would be very helpful for balance, particularly among the elderly and people with new breast implants who might still be seeking their center of gravity.

2. What gives with the whole walking-on-two-feet thing? Walking on all-fours seems like it would be a lot more comfortable, particularly if you’re going to be spending the day at a place like Disneyland. Sure, we’d all have to shell out twice as much money given our sudden need for hand-shoes, but I suspect the significant decrease in chiropractor bills would more than make up for it.

3. Personally, I find the fact that Tay-Sachs disease afflicts mostly Jewish people to be kind of anti-Semitic. And just so I’m being clear here, it’s not that I wish the disease on other faiths. I’m just saying the fact that it wasn’t spread around more evenly among other faiths is, well, “suspicious” to say the least.

4. Is it just me or wouldn’t it be more efficient if we cried from our mouths rather than our eyes? That way, all the wet stuff would be located in one place and if you didn’t want someone to see you cry (like a schoolyard bully or a very macho dad who didn’t approve of you wanting to take flute lessons), you could just keep your mouth closed and swallow a lot.

5. Armpit hair? Armpit hair?!

Anyway, there you go. I think you’ll agree – I’ve got some real beefs listed there and so far no one’s made evolution come clean and own up to some real boneheaded moves. In any case, I’m so glad you’re on the job and I want you to feel free to do with them what you will.

Your friend,

Bill Diamond


P.S. If for some reason your new school science standards have less to do with criticizing evolution and more to do with trying to sneak the concept of “intelligent design” into Kansas classrooms, please disregard the above because I think you’re wrong and couldn’t disagree with you more.

P.P.S. But either way, please feel free to use my criticisms.