Bring It On

Pres. Bush cut short his Camp David retreat today to take on a five-armed microphone-headed beast that landed in the middle of the White House lawn and refused several polite requests to leave. Waving off heavily armed Secret Service guards and with a throng of concerned citizens looking on, the President silently stared the creature down for over three and a half minutes. When that attempt to defuse the situation proved fruitless, Pres. Bush then ran through a series of scary, threatening faces before trying the old "I'll give you three seconds to get out of here" trick. After counting down to zero by halfsies, the president then issued what he termed would be his "final warning" and informed the creature that he had a vaporizing gun in his pocket and wasn't afraid to use it, adding "... and I'm serious." The president would later admit that he, in fact, did not have a vaporizing gun in his pocket and might very well have been afraid to use it but felt strongly that "the monster didn't need to know that." The monster did finally leave, but only after Karl Rove lured it off the property by dangling White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan off the end of a fishing pole.