Happy Halloween

Best. Presidential Halloween Costume. Ever.

Americans Who Get It

"Five years after September the 11th, too many Democrats still do not get it," Bush said. "The best way to protect the homeland is to find the enemy and defeat them overseas."

A new Associated Press-AOL News poll that found likely voters — angry at Bush and citing Iraq and the economy as their top issues — overwhelmingly prefer Democrats over Republicans. The poll found voters think Democrats would do a better job on Iraq by a 15-point margin."

Which makes me think that the number of Americans who do "get it" is roughly equal to the number of people who like to do this to their dogs because they think it makes them look "really cool."

Campaigning for Dummies

Watch Walt Handelsman's latest animation and remember to vote Fleeber.

That Queasy Feeling

Not exactly sure what was going on in Geneva, Ill. today with Dennis Hastert, but from these pictures it would appear that the embattled House Speaker did a little shoveling and then threw up. Then again, it could have been the two-and-a-half hours he recently spent being grilled about the Foley scandal by the House ethics committee. Or it was just a ribbon-cutting ceremony.

Coffee Lovers

I like my coffee, too, but this is just stupid. Get a room, guys.

If He Wears Slippers, the Terrorists Win

Courtesy of the official White House website, it now seems apparent from today's visit to War on Terror technology-supplier Gyrocam Systems in Sarasota, Florida, that while the president supports the War on Terror, he does draw the line at wearing the little blue booties.

And Such Modern, State-of-the-Art Surgical Equipment

How far is too far? Thanks to Reuters, I can safely say that eyelash transplant surgery, which apparently involves slicing off a piece of a person's scalp in an effort to make her eyelashes longer, is just a skosh too far.

Behind Every Great Man (#3)

My theory isn't that they keep Dick Cheney in a safe, undisclosed location. My theory is that he's actually inside that piece of furniture.

Behind Every Great Man (#2)

Here's the Vice President speaking at a rally today at Camp Atterbury honoring Indiana Air and Army National Guard troops in Edinburgh, Ind. Does anyone remember the last time the guy was actually out and about rubbing elbows with the actual public? And by the way, this time doesn't count...

I Should Probably Start Whining Less

According to Reuters, this photo shows Bangladeshi children playing near a pipe pumping mud into a low-lying area in Dhaka on October 18, 2006. Nothing like a shot of kids treating a geyser of pumped-in sludge as entertainment to make you feel you're a bit of a dick for complaining about virtually anything.

I'll Say This for the Guy...

Sure knows how to make an entrance. Looks like he just slid his tushie out of an infant car seat. Which, of course, officially makes this the...

Least. Presidential. Car Exit. Ever.

It's Just a Flesh Wound

Las Vegas gaming tycoon Steve Wynn recently poked a hole in "Le Reve", a 1932 painting by Pablo Picasso that the 64-year-old billionaire had just sold for 139 million dollars. Wynn's reaction upon discovering the two three-inch-long rips was reported to be, "Oh shit. Look what I've done." Which kind of makes me wish Steve Wynn was president. Because when Wynn pokes a hole through something irreplaceable...

... at least he's aware of what he's done.

Behind Every Great Man

Just goes to prove that old saying -- eventually, we all get the backdrops we deserve.

It Comes Free with the Worst Presidency in History

The above five-foot-high suitcase has been certified by the folks at the Guinness Book of World Records as the largest in the world and makes a perfect gift for the busy, on-the-go GOP candidate forced to campaign in the mid-term elections with the burden of a wildly unpopular president, a failed, increasingly bloody and wildly unpopular war in Iraq, a Congressional page sex scandal and any number of corruption charges. Concession speech and post-election job resume sold separately.

Congressional Pages and House Members

Walt Handelsman's latest animation.

Does This Mean There's Also a Traditional Bavarian Exit Wound?

Reuters says that after Russian President Vladimir Putin arrived for a dinner near Munich last night, he was welcomed by children dressed in "traditional Bavarian clothes" and given a "traditional Bavarian gun." I don't know what has me scratching my head more -- the questionable p.r. value of handing a firearm to Putin just days after the brutal murder of crusading Russian journalist Anna Politkovskaya or the fact that there's such a thing as a "traditional Bavarian gun".

Scottish Soccer Fan Bloodied But Not Kilt By Ukranian Hooligans

What has the world come to when a man in a dress can't attend a soccer game without getting beaten up? Then again, the work boots and tube socks look ridiculous so maybe he had it coming.

Priceless

I'm pretty sure you have to be of a certain age to feel this way but I find the images on this billboard in Ho Chi Minh City nothing short of astounding. If you don't get it, I can't explain, but here's a question: What are the chances that in 30-some-odd-years we'll see the same thing in Baghdad? Personally, I'd say it's rather unlikely. But then again... a Visa ad in Ho Chi Minh City?

Now What Was That Old Expression?

Oh, right. You've come a long way, baby.

Sometimes The Decider Also Listens

I suppose it's progress, of a sort. North Korea reportedly detonates a nuclear bomb and Pres. Bush immediately announces he "remains committed to diplomacy." Then to underscore the point that he's learned from his mistakes (see Iraq, The War in) and is now open to talking his way out of future conflicts, he lets photographers record him jumping on the Oval Office horn to jaw with Chinese President Hu Jintao about how the world should respond.

I wish him luck, of course. But as we saw last April, when it comes to the Chinese, diplomacy doesn't appear to our president's strongest suit.

Okay, So What Are You Gonna Do About It?

Took me a while but I finally figured out what was so familiar about this picture. Turns out it's the exact same facial expression, body language and general aura of petulant aggression that the dipshit in my third grade class threw at me after I confronted him for stealing my Frito Bandito eraser out of my desk. Didn't care that the weight of evidence was overwhelmingly against him. Couldn't have mattered less that I could see one of Senor Bandito's rubbery pistols sticking out of his pocket. And he really didn't give two shits that I loved that eraser more than life itself. All that did matter was that I wanted it, he had it, and there wasn't anything I could do about it.

In case anyone's curious, the reason for Pres. Bush's "Geez, don't you douchebags get it?" demeanor in the photo is that he was attempting to explain how U.S. employers adding only 51,000 jobs in September when the market expected many, many more was actually a good thing for the country. At least I assume that's what he was trying to do. Who's listening any more?

Two Dumps Separated By Half a Continent

In Minnesota today, Vandale Amos Willis, 28, told a judge he was "sorry" and that he took "full responsibility for everything I did in Duluth", adding only that he hoped the judge would put him on probation rather than send him to prison. Incidentally, what Mr. Willis "did" in Duluth was spread his feces around a courtroom while on trial for the importation of a controlled substance.

Meanwhile, in Washington D.C. today, Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert also took responsibility for his actions, namely allowing the Foley sex scandal to occur during his watch. However, upon declaring that "the buck stops where I'm at" and that he's "sorry that [the contact Foley and the pages] happened", a defiant Hastert refused to step down as House speaker and immediately blamed Democrats, operatives aligned with Bill Clinton, George Soros and ABC News for the scandal.

So in case you're scoring at home, the Minnesota poop artist and convicted drug felon somehow managed to come off as more sincere, contrite and sympathetic than the leader of the House of Representatives.

TV Shows I'd Watch

Oh if only. A team of hot-tempered, rough and tumble ultra-Orthodox detectives solving cases involving Sukkot-related crimes. I would so get a TiVo Season's Pass on that one.

Heckuva Picture, Bushie

Worst. Photo-op. Ever.

A Riddle Wrapped Up In an Enigma, But Now Breathing Freely

Thanks to China and its week-long National Day holiday, we finally have some clarification on how to properly thread a snake through one's nose -- right pinkie extended, pull firmly by the tail. Duh.

What -- And Get Out of Show Business?

According to the BBC, Frenchman Joel Bunot is staging a protest against war and landmines by lying on a bed of nails in Deak Square, Nagykanizsa, about 149 miles from Budapest. What the BBC did not indicate, however, is whether the woman sitting atop the landmine hating anti-war activist was participating in the protest at M. Bunot's request or simply a weary tourist looking to take a load off.