Friday, June 30, 2006

Lawdy, Miss Clawdy

Least. Prime Ministerial Photo. Ever.

Kudos to Priscilla Presley, however, for gamely trying to remind the Japanese Prime Minister that if they don't skeedaddle, they're probably going to miss the 22-minute Elvis highlight film, "Walk A Mile In My Shoes", about to begin in the Bijou Theater.

An Anus That Can Light Up A Room

Doctors in Pakistan removed a lightbulb from an inmate's anus in a tricky, hour and a half operation last Wednesday night. Reuters reports that Fateh Mohammed was "shocked" when he was told the cause of his abdominal discomfort and "swears he didn't know the bulb was there."

Though officials doubt the inmate's story, Mohammed, who is serving a four-year prison term for making liquor, is reported to be delighted that the operation was successful.

Yes. Delighted.

They Must Hate Freedom

Am I the only one who saw the news today and thinks we may be facing a new and insidious threat? Here are the details: First, the BBC reports that marine biologists have confirmed that sharks have an internal compass that allows them to navigate huge distances under water by detecting changes in magnetic fields. Then researchers in New Zealand discover that pigeons can cover huge distances in the air thanks to tiny magnetic particles in their beaks that they use to sense the Earth's magnetic field. Then a Swiss/German team of scientists writes in Science that ants can measure exact distances using what amounts to an internal pedometer.

Isn't it obvious what's going on here? The animal kingdom is getting ready for something. Think about it -- they've got air, sea and land covered, they've got to be unbelievably pissed off at how we're trashing the planet...

I know, kind of a crackpot theory and even I wasn't ready to commit to the idea that our human hegemony over Earth may soon be under attack. Until I saw this...

Face it, people. If the mice and frog populations can organize like this, maybe Hawking's right and it really is time to find a new planet.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Oh, So That's How He Did It

I think we finally have our answer as to how Bill Gates convinced Warren Buffett to donate $31 billion to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. All I'm saying is Jambi the Sumatran orangutan wasn't always an orangutan and that soccer jersey used to fit, if you catch my drift.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Finally, A Cure For Canine Shy Bladder Syndrome

Worst. Dogwalker. Ever.

This Picture Makes My Head Hurt

If there's anyone left who still doubts this administration's determination to twist reality and logic until we're out of breath and too weak to resist, look long and hard at this picture. Here's a president who started a pre-emptive war by lying about the existence of WMDs, which resulted in Army Staff Sergeant Christian Bagge being sent off to fight a war that should never have been fought and which resulted in the tragic loss of both his legs to a roadside explosion. Rather than being consumed by anger at the man directly responsible for his condition, Sgt. Bagge instead asks Pres. Bush from his hospital bed if he can go running with him and the president is only too happy to oblige with this photo-op-for-the-ages jog around the South Lawn of the White House, where Pres. Bush thanks him for his service and Sgt. Bagge responds that it has been his "privilege".

I'm eternally grateful there are dedicated, loyal and noble people like Sgt. Bagge who are willing to sacrifice their bodies and their lives for the defense of our country. I just wish our current leaders weren't so willing to abuse them.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

My, That's a Lot of Lincolns

The optimist in me would like to think this is what Pres. Bush sees in his head when he lies awake at night and not some diabolical Rovian foray into genetic engineering.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Bottoming Out

All right, that's enough. I have had it! Apparently this South Korean soccer fan was upset over what he thought was a bad call by a referee during a World Cup match with Switzerland, so what does he do? That's right, he goes one-man-bare-assed-show on us and makes a total frickin' mockery of the naked protest.

Come on, people. We keep this up and pretty soon a naked protest is going to be nothing more than a desperate, stupid, meaningless joke.

I'm not sure I can post for a while, I'm so disgusted.

Things Are Getting Ugly

Okay, above we have what the BBC says is a group of naked protestors demanding a halt to construction at Taiwan's nuclear power plant in Kungliao. Below, we have Pamela Anderson appearing at a press conference in Athens on behalf of an AIDS charity group.

Same day, different approaches to activism. So what's the lesson to be learned here? Sometimes less is more, fellas. You don't have to show us the whole pale, scrawny package to get our attention. Pam demonstrates that it's possible to draw attention to a worthy cause simply through the discreet display of a little leg. It also helps if you have tremendous breasts.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Is He Still There?

Cheer up, Kaleb Kroon, Little Leaguer from Groton, Conn. The rest of us don't have the option of burying our heads in our mommies' necks to make the bad man go away.

Guys and Dolls

Reuters says this is Taiwan legislator Chiang Lien-fu of the opposition Nationalist Party pointing a pistol yesterday at a doll of Taiwan's President Chen Shui-bian and that opposition parties are trying to unseat Chen through a recall movement. President Chen's popularity ratings are said to be at record lows, but my question to the Taiwanese is this: How bad are things over there that your president is less popular than a guy who threatens a doll with a gun?

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Proof of Evolution

Take that, creationists.


Seven thousand sailors, soldiers and aircrew are taking part in Operation Steadfast Jaguar, a NATO war game currently underway on the island republic of Cape Verde. According to a NATO Allied Command Operations press release, the two-week long exercise based around the Atlantic Ocean archipelago is the largest deployment of NRF forces to date and will "test command, control and support functions of the expeditionary force over long supply lines with only very limited host nation support." As shown in the picture above, soldiers do have access to Port-A-Potties during the exercises but have been warned that the availability of safe, clean bathroom facilities will be on an invasion-by-invasion basis.

Iraq Is NOT Like Vietnam

Vietnam has a KFC. Twenty, to be exact.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Summer Fun

A group of Japanese schoolchildren toured whaling operations today at the Wada port in the city of Minami-Bousou, east of Tokyo, Japan. The kids studiously took notes as fishermen slaughtered a Northern bottlenose whale, also known as a Beard's Beaked whale. According to a BBC website, the Northern bottlenose is relatively easy to kill, given the mammal's tendency to remain behind with wounded companions.

After witnessing the whale slaughter, the schoolchildren were then led on a tour of a kitty-strangling factory, then ended their day at a poultry plant, where each child was given an opportunity to personally chase down, capture and kill a newborn baby chick with a dull, rusty knife.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

He's Come Sofa, Sofast

A Jordanian man is shown here performing noon prayer on a huge sofa, which reportedly required roughly 23 feet of material and two weeks to complete. The sofa's owner is hoping it will be considered for inclusion in the Guinness Book of Records but even if it isn't, the sofa has already proven lucrative for Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, who is seen here showing off the huge quarter he recently discovered under one of its cushions.

Future's So Bright... I've Got to Cover My Head With a Book

A million children took part in earthquake drills all across the Philippines yesterday. It warms the heart to see that students at the "School of the Future" are benefitting from the advancements the world has made in disaster preparation over the past 50 years.

I particularly like the young, devil-may-care fellow on the lower left taking the casual, one-handed approach to protecting himself. Why, it's almost as if he doesn't believe the precautions even matter.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Ann Coulter Sings!

Walt Handelsman animates Ann Coulter.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Another Blow to the Nation

The A.P. is reporting that Britney Spears may follow the lead of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt and deliver her baby in Namibia. Obviously, it's her choice. I just hope she realizes she will be totally screwing that kid out of a chance to be president.

Hairy, Polyester Dreams

Here's a question -- in the recorded history of pale, hairy, badly dressed geeks and misfits, was there ever a group that surpassed the impact of this one?

Thursday, June 15, 2006

I Can Only Assume He Used Super Patriotic-Strength Anti-Perspirant

I just want to make sure I have this straight. Burning the flag is bad and shows disrespect for America. But having a balloon cowboy make a shirt out of a flag and then wear it on the South Lawn of the White House as part of the Congressional Picnic, well, that's just good clean livin'.

Way To Ruin A Picnic, Guys

Okay, so apparently it gets worse. Seems White House Chief of Staff Josh Bolten, shown here on bass, also performed at the White House Congressional Picnic. Bolten's band is known as "The Compassionates".

The Compassionates, The Second Amendments -- wow, forget about Iraq, the lying, the record deficits. I hate them just for their band names alone.

My Ears Hurt and I Feel Like Throwing Up

Okay, let's say you're U.S. Rep. Pete King, the congressman who has represented New York's 5th District since 1992. Are you angrier that...

A) ... the caption accompanying this A.P. photo taken today at the Congressional Picnic reads "President Bush and first lady Laura Bush pose for photos with unidentified guests"?


B) ... that you had a perfectly pleasant afternoon on the South Lawn of the White House ruined by a band called "The Second Amendments" featuring Rep. Collin Peterson and Rep. Thaddeus McCotter on guitar, Rep. Kenny Hulshof on drums, Rep. Jon Porter on keyboards, Rockin' Rep. Dave Weldon on bass... and of course, unindentified woman on tambourine.

Personally, I'd gladly surrender my Second Amendment rights if it meant this bunch never appeared together again. Of course, I haven't actually heard them play. But even the pictures don't sound good.

Birthday Bib and Tucker

I know it's the Queen's 80th birthday and all but I've got to be honest -- I kinda like the guy's hat better.

The PETA Principle

Just to keep everybody updated on the PETA principle, which basically states that a protest isn't really a protest until somebody gets naked...

Apparently Chilean university students stripped to their underwear to protest changes planned for public state education. I'd like be able to say that I really don't understand how being against education reform intersects with baring your butt cheeks... but the very fact that I've just posted a picture from a protest I could hardly care less about only speaks to the power of both the PETA principle and a mismatched bra and panty set.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Fun Game

According to the AP, Mark Johnston paid $1.7 million for the Mercedes-Benz AMG CLK-GTR roadster pictured above. Johnston is claiming that the car, one of five ever built of that model, had only been driven 10 blocks when an oil pressure warning light came on and the car failed to shift gears properly. It was later determined the car requires an entirely new engine and Johnston is suing DaimlerChrysler AG and Mercedes-Benz USA for either the cost of a replacement engine or a refund of his money.

Okay, off the top of my head, here's a quickie list of things I care less about than Mr. Johnston and his $1.7 million non-functioning Mercedes:

1. People Magazine's list of "hottest bachelors"
2. Reasons why the US should be optimistic about the 2010 World Cup
3. The list of refreshments to be served at the Karl Rove "I Wasn't Indicted" Victory Party
4. Excuses for why geese are the leading polluters of Lake Tahoe (I just want solutions)
5. Faux "Hurricane" Alberto (Thanks for the wall-to-wall coverage, CNN! Seriously, it hasn't made me stop watching you at all!)
6. A documentary that Reuters is telling us exposes Chuck Berry's "dark side". (And if you've heard the same stories, you'll know exactly what I mean. If you haven't, well, go enjoy the movie. I'm sure it's great.)
7. Pretty much anything Pres. Bush claims to be "upbeat" about

Like I said, just a quick list and not at all exhaustive. By all means, feel free to contribute some other ideas.

Bad to the Bone

German police officials arrested 40 Polish fans prior to today's World Cup match between Germany and Poland for what the AP is calling their "hooligan potential." Gotta say, I think the police were totally in line on this one. I mean, just look at this guy. Classic hooligan no-goodnik. The meanie face, the stuck-out tongue... I'm telling you, the police don't act when they do, next thing you know he's giving the cop a pair of devil's horns, calling him a poopie-head, maybe there's a wedgie or a purple nerple involved and suddenly you've got a full-fledged soccer riot on your hands.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Is There Something You'd Like To Share With The Rest Of Us, Amazing Larry?

I see this morning that Drudge is all up in arms about Reuters running the "Rove Exit photo" below...

I think they may have it all wrong, though. I don't think it's an example of some photographer trying to get out ahead of the news or some shutterbug displaying his own personal agenda. Maybe -- and hear me out, because I really think I'm onto something -- maybe what we're seeing here is Karl Rove getting ready for the upcoming mid-term elections by practicing his sinister mastery of mind control technique. That is, rather than a message being sent to Mr. Rove, maybe it's Mr. Rove himself who is sending the message.

Ridiculous? Perhaps. Out of the question? Oh, wouldn't it be pretty to think so.

It actually makes more sense the more you think about it. Here are the facts: The GOP is going to have a tough time retaining control of the House and Senate in the mid-term elections. They had to spend $10 million to defend a safe Republican seat in California's 50th Congressional district. Obviously, there aren't enough rubber chicken fundraisers or YAF bake sales in the world that can raise that kind of scratch from now till November. So what else can this bunch do to affect the outcome? The same things that seems to have worked so well in Ohio and Florida. Make sure Democratic voters leave the polling stations without voting.

And how do they do that? By not providing enough voting booths to districts populated predominately by African American voters more likely to vote Democratic? By marching state police officers into the homes of elderly black voters to intimidate them and keep them at home? Oh, please! That's so "old school," so 2004. No, Rove's clearly working on something much more devious this time, something that will leave no trace of its existence.

You guessed it. Mind control.

Don't say you haven't been warned.