Thursday, March 30, 2006

A Texas Handshake

Who looks more uncomfortable?

A) Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas surrounded by his new colleagues from Hamas...

B) Any one of the foreign ministers from the U.N. Security Council permanent members who met (stiffly) today in Berlin to discuss Iran's disputed nuclear program...

or C) Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper after President George W. Bush offered to guess the weight of Harper's scrotum using only his right hand.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Friday, March 24, 2006

Black Is The New Red

As Pope Benedict XVI installed 15 new cardinals at the Vatican today, one cardinal was kicking himself for not reading the "What to Wear" memo included in his "Welcome Ecclesiastics!" hospitality packet.

An Act of Naked Aggression

South Korean marines were hell-bent on revenge today when North Korean operatives stole their jerseys during an annual winter season drill east of Seoul.

That Explains It

Okay, now I know why the Iraqi cabinet can't make any progress. It must take an hour and a half just to pass around the fruit plate.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

I Forgot

From today's New York Times:
By most accounts inside and outside the administration, Mr. Rove is relentlessly cheerful, presenting himself as an optimistic face in a gloomy White House. One person who met Mr. Rove said he attributed Mr. Bush's problems more to external events, in particular Hurricane Katrina and Iraq, than to anything the White House did wrong.

Is Karl Rove actually saying that if Hurricane Katrina hadn't hit and if we weren't fighting in Iraq, President Bush would have a perfect record? Isn't that kind of like saying if Lincoln hadn't been shot at Ford Theater it would have been a terrific night for a play?

I mean, if we're not supposed to judge a president by how he deals with "external events", how would Rove like us to judge him?

Oh. Right.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

The President Plays Hardball

Following a speech in Wheeling, West Virginia, today, President George W. Bush personally greeted and thanked those members sitting in the "For Victory" section of the audience. As for those seated in the "Against Victory" section, they were led outside and individually berated by a man in a chicken suit.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Oh, It's Soooooo Funny

Gene Simon and his wife Elizabeth are shown here yucking it up as they stand next to the base of their velvet ash tree. New Mexico State Forestry officials informed the couple, who turned 90 and 86 respectively over the past week, that the tree is the largest of its genus in the country and is expected to be named the national champion.

Well, speaking as the owner of what apparently is now second largest velvet ash tree in the country and the sole source of income for my family -- screw you.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Better Yet, Just Don't Watch TV For The Next Three Years Or So

President Bush said today that as the Iraq war moves into its fourth year, he can “understand people being disheartened” but asked Americans to look beyond the bloodshed and see signs of progress. He then went on to say that if, after looking beyond the bloodshed to see signs of progress they saw even more bloodshed, he’d encourage them to look past that, too. However, at that point if they were to see some bloodshed with a little bit of progress mixed in or a lot of progress but also a lot of bloodshed at the same time, he'd ask them to pick out the bloodshed and leave in the progress. Or close one eye and turn their heads in such a way that all they could see was the progress and little to none of the bloodshed. Or if it was easier, they could just go lie down and someone from his or some future administration would call and tell them when it was time to wake up.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

I Learned Something Today

Uncle Sam is ten feet tall and wears a fanny pack.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Word on "The Street"

Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice is shown here posing with Elmo in Jakarta, Indonesia, today following a meeting that a State Department official said touched on a variety of issues "of mutual concern to our two peoples". The work session comes on the heels of First Lady Laura Bush's hastily scheduled meeting earlier this month with Boombah, Chamki, Goodli and Aanchoo, all members of the Indian version of Sesame Street. The State Dept. spokesperson refused to further explain the sudden flurry of diplomatic activity between the U.S. and Sesame Street and would neither confirm nor deny rumors that the Bush administration was attempting to add Sesame Street to the "coalition of the willing" in Iraq. The spokesperson also refused to speculate on whether the President was seeking to offer Sesame Street access to U.S. civil nuclear technology in exchange for opening its nuclear facilities to inspection.

Thanks, Digby

Thanks, Digby, for the link. And for those of you who for some odd reason found Pearl Swine without going through Hullabaloo, check it out. It's the smartest, most consistently well written blog out there, IMHO.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Holy Katrina...

I feel safer already.

It's Good To Get Away... But It's Good To Come Home, Too

Spring Break was kind of a mixed bag this year.

I mean, the kids at our hotel were cool... once you got used to the smell of vomit in the stairwells and all that pee in the pool.

But between the stuff with the dinosaurs...

... and the bird flu on the plane...

... well, let's just say I'm glad to be home.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

You Call This "Out of Touch"?

Following what could only have been a rousing introduction by Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert, President Bush spoke to Republican donors tonight at the National Republican Congressional Committee dinner in Washington. Check out the dude behind the dude with the hat and camera. Looks fairly mesmerized, eh?

No Luck of the Irish

Prime Minister of Ireland Bertie Ahern looked none too pleased today when President Bush informed him that because he'd neglected to wear green on St. Patrick's Day, the visiting European dignitary would have to submit himself to a "serious, Texas-sized butt pinching". There are unconfirmed reports that Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert, aware of the President's ape-like finger strength and his fondness for doling out the traditional St. Patrick's Day punishment, ripped a green tie from the neck of a startled aide just moments before descending the Capitol steps.

***** UPDATE ***** UPDATE ***** UPDATE ***** UPDATE*****

Sore assed Irish Prime Minister Bertie Ahern is pictured here offering President Bush a bowl of shamrocks as part of a St. Patrick's Day celebration held today in the Roosevelt Room of the White House. Earlier, the President publicly apologized for pinching the Prime Minister's bottom, admitting that he mistakenly thought Thursday was St. Patrick's Day and that Mr. Ahearn had neglected to follow the custom of wearing an item of green clothing. Republicans in Congress are reportedly mulling a bill that would retroactively move up the holiday by a day, thereby absolving the President of any wrongdoing.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Just The One?

Jay Leno Apologizes to Offended Viewer

Does this mean he's going one by one? Because if he is, this could take a while.

It Could Be Worse...

Ah, to be a Japanese robot. One minute they're training you to haul around incontinent old people, the next minute they've got you sucking in dirty, crap-filled seawater as part of a water quality inspection in Hiroshima. Funny thing is, they're probably both happy they don't have Scott McClellan's job.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

When You Got It, Flaunt It

My vote for Least Presidential Photo Ever Taken. And that was before I even noticed the cute little pink socks. But I guess if you're not embarrassed by flouting the Constitution or ignoring Hurricane Katrina victims or ginning up WMD claims, what do you care if some bald guy behind you is rolling up his shirt and sticking out his belly?

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Even A Shuffle Wouldn't Have Sucked

The San Diego Zoo celebrated the second birthday of one of its Sumatran orangutans today by distributing hand-decorated paper bags stuffed full of popcorn, frozen juice, sugar-free gelatin, peas, corn and other favorites of the red apes. The nutritious party favors seemed to go over well with all the animals except for Josephine, pictured above, who somehow had gotten the impression that they were all getting an iPod Nano.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

He Looks Bigger On The Tee Vee

Despite concerted efforts by the White House to keep it a highly guarded secret, President Bush was revealed today to be a teeny tiny man. The truth came out when reporters observed the President having to stand on a step ladder to greet a home builder in Gautier, Mississippi, during an appearance at a Hurricane Katrina reconstruction project. When questioned, a presidential spokesperson was forced to concede that press events are regularly staged using a combination of forced perspective, specially-designed miniature furniture and the occasional carnival fun mirror. Also, to maintain the illusion of presidential height, no one in Mr. Bush's cabinet can be over five feet tall.

*** UPDATE ****** UPDATE ****** UPDATE ****** UPDATE ***

Following the surprise disclosure of President Bush's teeny tiny stature, the White House today released pictures of President Bush's teeny tiny bible.