Friday, December 15, 2006

Last Throes of Employment

I'm not sure what everyone found so funny today at the Armed Forces Full Honor Review in honor of outgoing Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. I'd kind of like to believe it was when Vice President Dick Cheney referred to Rumsfeld as "the finest secretary of defense this nation has ever had" and that even Rumsfeld himself had to giggle.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Maybe Bill O'Reilly Is Right

Maybe there really is a war on Christmas.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Stay the Course, Which is the New Way Forward

In his weekly radio broadcast today, President Bush thanked the Iraq Study Group for alerting the nation to the "grave situation we face in Iraq" but failed to acknowledge the commission's powerful and often scathing criticism of his war policies. Meanwhile, the White House underscored the president's recent assertion to Bob Woodward that he would not withdraw from Iraq "even if Laura and Barney are the only ones supporting me" by releasing a photo showing not only Laura and Barney but Miss Beazley and Willie the cat at an Iraq War pep rally held in front of the First Family's Christmas tree.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Reflecting Badly

Former Education Secretary and conservative pundit William J. Bennett, commenting on yesterday's release of the Iraq Study Group's findings, wrote that "In all my time in Washington I've never seen such smugness, arrogance, or such insufferable moral superiority." It should be noted, however, that the outspoken public moralist who reportedly lost millions gambling in Vegas and said the beheading of drug dealers would be "morally plausible" does famously live in a house without a single mirror.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Bad News, Kiddies

Santa sailed into Groton, Conn., today aboard the fast-attack submarine USS Albuquerque, signaling to youngsters that unlike in previous years, naughtiness will not only not be tolerated, it may result in a barrage of long-range, subsonic cruise missiles.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Oh, Yeah, And Thank You SO MUCH for All The Food You Put On The Paper Towel For Me

The Associated Press reports that in an effort to convince employees to lead healthier lives, companies like Replacements, Ltd. in Greensboro, N.C., are encouraging employees to bring their dogs to work with them to "encourage mental wellness." Pictured above we see Charmin, a 6-year-old Bichon, contemplating suicide as he waits for his owner to turn around.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

It's Around Here Somewhere

The singing of the National Anthem at the 2006 Kennedy Center Honors tonight gave us a pretty good idea of where everybody's heart was located. Vice President Dick Cheney, of course, did his best to approximate.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Protection Racket

Sometimes even the most responsible people find themselves caught unprepared. So really, what could possibly be more reassuring than knowing that tucked away somewhere in your purse or wallet is that condom you were once handed on the street by some random guy in a bright red condom costume?

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Monday, November 20, 2006

The New Presidential Dollar Coins are Here! The New Presidential Dollar Coins are Here!

Scheduled to enter circulation on Feb. 15, four days before President's Day, the new presidential dollar coins will be gold like the Sacajawea dollar coin, slightly larger than a quarter like the Sacajawea dollar coin and have the same thickness as both the Sacajawea dollar coin and the Susan B. Anthony dollar coin.

Now before you go crapping all over the new presidential dollar coin's chances to break the "Peace Dollar curse", remember this -- the new presidential dollar coin has a few huge advantages that those two loser dollar coins didn't have. According to the U.S. Mint, the new presidential coin will rotate designs, with four -- count 'em, four! -- new presidential dollars each year, starting in 2007. Boo ya! Also, the dollar coin will have writing on its edge instead of just on its front and back for the first time in more than 70 years! And as if that's not all, according to USA Today, the writing will be "engraved but will be detectable by touch." That's detectable by touch, people.

As USA TODAY writes: "Those two features, particularly the rotation of the coins, will lead to excitement about the money in a way that wasn't generated before, [Mint Director Edmund] Moy says."

But he had more to say and this is what should give us all hope for what many have already nicknamed "the Prezzy". (Okay, so maybe they haven't nicknamed it that, but they should). If people start collecting them and seeking them out, Moy said, "we hope that one positive benefit of that is that they'll start using them more and say, 'Hmmm, this isn't as bad as we thought.' "

Keep the faith, Mint Director Moy. I'm certain they're not nearly as bad as we thought. Not by a longshot.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

The Administration... Unplugged

If you'd been in a coma for the past week and someone showed you this picture after you woke up, who would you guess won the mid-term elections last Tuesday? Cheney looks like someone pulled the cork out of him and Bush looks like one of those moon bouncers after someone kicked the plug out of the wall.

Florence Nightingale Had It Easy

Okay, add this to the list of jobs I'm not interested in -- delivering drive-thru flu shots to topless old guys in Oklahoma.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

It's His "Thing"

Okay, so it would appear that Sen. Allen brought his ball to his concession speech today. Well, because I can afford to be generous on this wondrous morning, I'm going to try and look at the defeated incumbent's gesture as if it's not as pathetic and infantile as it seems. After all, I guess there's a very, very small part of me that thinks maybe the guy should be commended for committing to a lame-ass bit for as long as he has. I mean, maybe expecting George Allen to appear in public without his little football would be like, oh I don't know, asking Gallagher to go out on stage without his watermelons and sledgehammer, or Carrot Top to dye his hair blue and be funny.


Please, oh please let this mean that Sen. Allen is symbolically dumping the crappy football shtick and not just passing the sickness on to the next generation.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Thank You, Virginia!

You really came through for me and I owe you. Big time. Wish I could say these morning-after pictures show Sen. Allen taking his ball and going home but I'm starting to think that may require surgery.

It's A Hard Rain A-Gonna Fall

Rest In Pieces, GOP-controlled House. Thanks for making 12 years seem like an eternity.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Sacred... and Adorable

Indeed, Republican U.S. House candidate Bruce Whalen of South Dakota, children are sacred -- if by "sacred" you mean that if you dress them up and dangle them at passing cars, they're a terrific way to get people to vote for you.

Monday, November 06, 2006

The Election's In the Bag

Gosh -- I can't imagine a better time to buttonhole a potential voter than when she's pushing two toddlers and a cart full of groceries to her car. Here's a tip for Fla. State Sen. Ron Klein and U.S. Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz, D-Fla. -- next time? At least help her unload.

Fun Game!

Quick -- which is incumbent Democratic U.S. Sen. Joseph I. Lieberman currently running as an independent against Ned Lamont and which is Jesse the bloodhound? Hint: Jesse's handler is pictured at the left.

I'm Warning You, Good People of Virginia...

... you vote this guy back into office, you'll only have yourselves to blame because he ain't never letting go of that thing. What an embarrassment.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

An Irony Free Presidency

To paraphrase Freud... sometimes a piece of corn with a hole in it is just a piece of corn with a hole in it. And not just about the most perfect visual metaphor for what the president has been doing to this country for the past six years.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

I Beg You, Virginia...

... please don't reelect George Allen. But don't do it for me. Do it for the sports equipment. It's just not designed to hold up under all that desperate campaigning and pathetic pandering. I'm telling you, the man's one sweaty photo-op away from a puncture that can't be patched.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Wonder If They Cut Up His Meat For Him, Too

Boy, nothing says "I'm a formidable candidate for the U.S. Senate seat from Ohio and I want your vote" like letting yourself be photographed having a Chili's waitress put a plastic bib on you. Well played, Republican Sen. Mike DeWine. Well played.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Happy Halloween

Best. Presidential Halloween Costume. Ever.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Americans Who Get It

"Five years after September the 11th, too many Democrats still do not get it," Bush said. "The best way to protect the homeland is to find the enemy and defeat them overseas."

A new Associated Press-AOL News poll that found likely voters — angry at Bush and citing Iraq and the economy as their top issues — overwhelmingly prefer Democrats over Republicans. The poll found voters think Democrats would do a better job on Iraq by a 15-point margin."

Which makes me think that the number of Americans who do "get it" is roughly equal to the number of people who like to do this to their dogs because they think it makes them look "really cool."

Friday, October 27, 2006

Campaigning for Dummies

Watch Walt Handelsman's latest animation and remember to vote Fleeber.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

That Queasy Feeling

Not exactly sure what was going on in Geneva, Ill. today with Dennis Hastert, but from these pictures it would appear that the embattled House Speaker did a little shoveling and then threw up. Then again, it could have been the two-and-a-half hours he recently spent being grilled about the Foley scandal by the House ethics committee. Or it was just a ribbon-cutting ceremony.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Coffee Lovers

I like my coffee, too, but this is just stupid. Get a room, guys.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

If He Wears Slippers, the Terrorists Win

Courtesy of the official White House website, it now seems apparent from today's visit to War on Terror technology-supplier Gyrocam Systems in Sarasota, Florida, that while the president supports the War on Terror, he does draw the line at wearing the little blue booties.

And Such Modern, State-of-the-Art Surgical Equipment

How far is too far? Thanks to Reuters, I can safely say that eyelash transplant surgery, which apparently involves slicing off a piece of a person's scalp in an effort to make her eyelashes longer, is just a skosh too far.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Behind Every Great Man (#3)

My theory isn't that they keep Dick Cheney in a safe, undisclosed location. My theory is that he's actually inside that piece of furniture.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Behind Every Great Man (#2)

Here's the Vice President speaking at a rally today at Camp Atterbury honoring Indiana Air and Army National Guard troops in Edinburgh, Ind. Does anyone remember the last time the guy was actually out and about rubbing elbows with the actual public? And by the way, this time doesn't count...

Thursday, October 19, 2006

I Should Probably Start Whining Less

According to Reuters, this photo shows Bangladeshi children playing near a pipe pumping mud into a low-lying area in Dhaka on October 18, 2006. Nothing like a shot of kids treating a geyser of pumped-in sludge as entertainment to make you feel you're a bit of a dick for complaining about virtually anything.

I'll Say This for the Guy...

Sure knows how to make an entrance. Looks like he just slid his tushie out of an infant car seat. Which, of course, officially makes this the...

Least. Presidential. Car Exit. Ever.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

It's Just a Flesh Wound

Las Vegas gaming tycoon Steve Wynn recently poked a hole in "Le Reve", a 1932 painting by Pablo Picasso that the 64-year-old billionaire had just sold for 139 million dollars. Wynn's reaction upon discovering the two three-inch-long rips was reported to be, "Oh shit. Look what I've done." Which kind of makes me wish Steve Wynn was president. Because when Wynn pokes a hole through something irreplaceable...

... at least he's aware of what he's done.