Protection Racket

Sometimes even the most responsible people find themselves caught unprepared. So really, what could possibly be more reassuring than knowing that tucked away somewhere in your purse or wallet is that condom you were once handed on the street by some random guy in a bright red condom costume?

Midterm's Greatest Hits

Walt Handelsman's latest animation.

The New Presidential Dollar Coins are Here! The New Presidential Dollar Coins are Here!

Scheduled to enter circulation on Feb. 15, four days before President's Day, the new presidential dollar coins will be gold like the Sacajawea dollar coin, slightly larger than a quarter like the Sacajawea dollar coin and have the same thickness as both the Sacajawea dollar coin and the Susan B. Anthony dollar coin.

Now before you go crapping all over the new presidential dollar coin's chances to break the "Peace Dollar curse", remember this -- the new presidential dollar coin has a few huge advantages that those two loser dollar coins didn't have. According to the U.S. Mint, the new presidential coin will rotate designs, with four -- count 'em, four! -- new presidential dollars each year, starting in 2007. Boo ya! Also, the dollar coin will have writing on its edge instead of just on its front and back for the first time in more than 70 years! And as if that's not all, according to USA Today, the writing will be "engraved but will be detectable by touch." That's detectable by touch, people.

As USA TODAY writes: "Those two features, particularly the rotation of the coins, will lead to excitement about the money in a way that wasn't generated before, [Mint Director Edmund] Moy says."

But he had more to say and this is what should give us all hope for what many have already nicknamed "the Prezzy". (Okay, so maybe they haven't nicknamed it that, but they should). If people start collecting them and seeking them out, Moy said, "we hope that one positive benefit of that is that they'll start using them more and say, 'Hmmm, this isn't as bad as we thought.' "

Keep the faith, Mint Director Moy. I'm certain they're not nearly as bad as we thought. Not by a longshot.

The Administration... Unplugged

If you'd been in a coma for the past week and someone showed you this picture after you woke up, who would you guess won the mid-term elections last Tuesday? Cheney looks like someone pulled the cork out of him and Bush looks like one of those moon bouncers after someone kicked the plug out of the wall.

Florence Nightingale Had It Easy

Okay, add this to the list of jobs I'm not interested in -- delivering drive-thru flu shots to topless old guys in Oklahoma.

It's His "Thing"

Okay, so it would appear that Sen. Allen brought his ball to his concession speech today. Well, because I can afford to be generous on this wondrous morning, I'm going to try and look at the defeated incumbent's gesture as if it's not as pathetic and infantile as it seems. After all, I guess there's a very, very small part of me that thinks maybe the guy should be commended for committing to a lame-ass bit for as long as he has. I mean, maybe expecting George Allen to appear in public without his little football would be like, oh I don't know, asking Gallagher to go out on stage without his watermelons and sledgehammer, or Carrot Top to dye his hair blue and be funny.

*****UPDATE*****UPDATE*****UPDATE*****UPDATE*****

Please, oh please let this mean that Sen. Allen is symbolically dumping the crappy football shtick and not just passing the sickness on to the next generation.

Thank You, Virginia!

You really came through for me and I owe you. Big time. Wish I could say these morning-after pictures show Sen. Allen taking his ball and going home but I'm starting to think that may require surgery.

It's A Hard Rain A-Gonna Fall

Rest In Pieces, GOP-controlled House. Thanks for making 12 years seem like an eternity.

Sacred... and Adorable

Indeed, Republican U.S. House candidate Bruce Whalen of South Dakota, children are sacred -- if by "sacred" you mean that if you dress them up and dangle them at passing cars, they're a terrific way to get people to vote for you.

The Election's In the Bag

Gosh -- I can't imagine a better time to buttonhole a potential voter than when she's pushing two toddlers and a cart full of groceries to her car. Here's a tip for Fla. State Sen. Ron Klein and U.S. Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz, D-Fla. -- next time? At least help her unload.

Fun Game!

Quick -- which is incumbent Democratic U.S. Sen. Joseph I. Lieberman currently running as an independent against Ned Lamont and which is Jesse the bloodhound? Hint: Jesse's handler is pictured at the left.

I'm Warning You, Good People of Virginia...

... you vote this guy back into office, you'll only have yourselves to blame because he ain't never letting go of that thing. What an embarrassment.

An Irony Free Presidency

To paraphrase Freud... sometimes a piece of corn with a hole in it is just a piece of corn with a hole in it. And not just about the most perfect visual metaphor for what the president has been doing to this country for the past six years.

I Beg You, Virginia...

... please don't reelect George Allen. But don't do it for me. Do it for the sports equipment. It's just not designed to hold up under all that desperate campaigning and pathetic pandering. I'm telling you, the man's one sweaty photo-op away from a puncture that can't be patched.

Wonder If They Cut Up His Meat For Him, Too

Boy, nothing says "I'm a formidable candidate for the U.S. Senate seat from Ohio and I want your vote" like letting yourself be photographed having a Chili's waitress put a plastic bib on you. Well played, Republican Sen. Mike DeWine. Well played.