Cheney's Loverly

Check out Pulitzer Prize-winning cartoonist Walt Handelsman's latest animation.

It's Unofficially Official

I say if Bloomberg let himself get photographed hugging a hot dog, he can't possibly be considering a run for the presidency. Everybody knows you have to be president already to allow yourself to look that stupid.

R.I.P., Mickey Mouse Lookalike

This just in from the AP:

A Mickey Mouse lookalike who preached Islamic domination on a Hamas-affiliated children's television program was beaten to death in the show's final episode Friday. In the final skit, "Farfour" was killed by an actor posing as an Israeli official trying to buy Farfour's land. At one point, the mouse called the Israeli a "terrorist."

"Farfour was martyred while defending his land," said Sara, the teen presenter. He was killed "by the killers of children," she added...

Station officials said Friday that Farfour was taken off the air to make room for new programs. Station manager Mohammed Bilal said he did not know what would be shown instead.

An afternoon casting session scheduled by Hamas to find a SpongeBob Squarepants lookalike has reportedly been canceled due to a general unwillingness among available actors to be beaten to death on a children's program.

2007 Summer Camp Guide

Walt Handelsman's latest animation.

Maybe It's Just Me...

... but these may be two of the worst pictures a candidate has ever willingly posed for in the history of politics. Why not just adopt the slogan, "Vote for me -- I'm winded". It's like he's wearing "Defeat" cologne.

Off We Go

Here's Walt Handelsman's latest animation. Make that 2007 Pulitzer Prize-winning Walt Handelsman's latest animation.

It's Nothing To Be Embarrassed About

Republican presidential candidate Tommy Thompson apologized today, telling reporters that the reason he mistakenly expressed support for the right of an employer to fire a gay worker at a May 3 GOP debate was because he couldn't hear, didn't feel good and had to pee. While these excuses hit some observers as lame, vaguely unpresidential and unbelievably icky, supporters of the former Health and Human Services Secretary say this line of defense wasn't without precedent. According to presidential historians, Warren G. Harding blamed the Teapot Dome Scandal on a worrisome anal discharge, Herbert Hoover pointed to painful and bloody hemorrhoids as causing the Great Depression, while Richard Nixon is said to have blamed Watergate on a combination of flatulence, bad breath and a persistently itchy scrotum.

Virgin Billionaire Flashes His Tips to Canada

Kudos to Virgin Group founder Richard Branson for his 'Flick Off' initiative, which is attempting to educate Canadians about the effects of global warming. My guess is the campaign will be much, much more successful with people who see his sign up close and far, far less successful with people who see the sign from a distance. I can honestly admit that I never saw the 'power on" symbol as an upraised middle finger before, so there's progress, I guess.

Sorry, New Mexico, But I'm Not Enchanted

New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson announced the final recommended design for his state's commemorative quarter today and I have to say, I'm pretty disappointed. I mean, why would they go with a map of the state, a zia symbol and the words "Land of Enchantment" awkwardly squeezed in at the bottom...


... when they could have gone with this beauty?

I mean, what says "I love my state" better than a mushroom cloud and a bomb packing the destructive force of 21,000 tons of TNT? Land of Enchantment? Please. Try Land of Missed Opportunities.

That's Rich, I'll Say

According to the Associated Press , in deference to the Virginia Tech tragedy, President Bush "passed up any attempt to be funny at the House Correspondents' Association dinner Saturday." It would appear impersonator and feature act Rich Little made much the same decision.

Welcome to the Club, Walt

Congratulations to Walt Handelsman on winning his second Pulitzer Prize for editorial cartooning, this one for Newsday. Granted, whatever hardware they give you still won't hold a candle to this impressive little baby I bagged back in '73...


... but I guess a Pulitzer's still good.

Baraaaaaaaaaack Obama!

Walt Handelsman's latest animation.

Another Pesky Leftover Problem Solved

Orange County District Attorney Tony Rackauckas announced yesterday that law enforcement officials had charged six Chinese nationals and a U.S. citizen with what the L.A. Times reported as "pimping and operating 10 brothels staffed by women from China in what authorities said was the largest prostitution investigation ever in Orange County."

"In an apparent effort to economize," the article went on to say, "customers used plastic food wrap instead of condoms. Jian Shi, a 49-year-old Montebello resident and the alleged ringleader, bought 7,500 square feet of plastic wrap over a two-month period, Rackauckas said."

Added District Attorney Rackauckas: "I really don't think about [plastic wrap] in the same way any more," demonstrating yet again that Orange County District Attorney Rackauckas is clearly the funniest district attorney in Orange County.

Pure, Unadulterated, Grade-A Evil

During testimony at a military tribunal at Guantanamo Bay that was released by the Pentagon on Wednesday, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed claimed involvement in 31 terrorist attacks and plots, including the Sept. 11, 2001 attacks in the United States, the truck bombing of the World Trade Center in 1993, the beheading of journalist Daniel Pearl in Pakistan, the Bali nightclub bombing in 2002, the plot to use shoe bombs to blow up two American planes in 2001, the post-Sept. 11 round of skyscraper attacks targeting the Library Tower in Los Angeles, the Sears Tower in Chicago, the Plaza Bank building in Seattle and the Empire State Building in New York City, and plots to assassinate President Bill Clinton, Pakistani president Gen. Pervez Musharraf and Pope John Paul II.

Mohammed, who was captured by American forces four years ago, also confessed that it was his idea to leave a fading Pedro Martinez on the mound during the final game of the 2003 American League Championship Series between the Yankees and the Red Sox, his decision not to cancel several Jet Blue flights last month, which resulted in some passengers being forced to wait on planes for up to ten and a half hours, and that he was the one who convinced ABC that "Lost" would not suffer in the ratings if network executives took the show off the air for thirteen weeks earlier this year.

Political Reality Show

Walt Handelsman's latest animation.

Fun Quiz

Choose the correct answer. The photo above shows:

a) The first clothing-free workout session at a Dutch gym;

b) An exercise program designed exclusively for PETA protesters;

c) What the janitors at your local health club are doing after the place closes for the night.

You Can Judge a Man By His Shoes

Worst. Vice Presidential Shoes. Ever.

Stay classy, Dick.

Political Fashion Show

Walt Handelsman's latest animation.

More Proof That the Fine Art of Conversation is Dead

According to the charging affidavit filed by Orlando police, NASA astronaut Lisa Novak was not trying to cause any bodily harm to fellow astronaut Colleen Shipman when she approached her at the Orlando International Airport but merely "wanted to scare her into talking with her." Orlando Police Department spokesperson Sergeant Barbara Jones, however, disagreed, telling the online edition of the London Times that, “If you were just going to talk to someone, I don’t know that you would need a wig, a trench coat, an air cartridge BB gun and pepper spray.”

Wow. That Sergeant Jones must a real giggle to chew the fat with. I mean, how can you say you've truly had a meaningful conversation unless at some point during the discussion someone gets maced in the face and attacked with a steel mallet and a four-foot length rubber tubing?

The Food's Good But the Service in This Place Sucks

With the end of his term looming and the prospect of an endless stretch of long empty days ahead of him, President Bush appeared to begin his search for appropriate post-presidential employment Tuesday morning when he took breakfast orders at the Sterling Family Restaurant in Peoria, Ill.

Just as I Always Suspected

It only works if you drink the Kool-Aid at the same time.

Augmentation, Escalation, What's the Difference?

Walt Handelsman's latest animation.

Dear Mr. Little

The San Francisco Chronicle reports that the White House Correspondents Association has announced a "decidedly safer headliner for this year's April 21 bash: impressionist Rich Little, mimic of dozens of celebrities -- most of whom are dead." The Las Vegas Review-Journal adds that "organizers of the event made it clear they don't want a repeat of last year's controversial appearance by Stephen Colbert, whose searing satire of President Bush and the White House press corps fell flat and apparently touched too many nerves." Noting that the association "got a lot of letters," Mr. Little vowed on Tuesday "I won't even mention the word 'Iraq.'"

In an effort to make the president's evening more enjoyable, here are some other words and phrases Mr. Little might want to avoid:

Bring 'em on
Heckuva job
Brownie
Worst
Worst president
Worst president ever
Illegal
Wiretapping
Illegal wiretapping
Greet us as liberators
Stay the course
Weapons of mass destruction
Dead or alive
As they stand up
We stand down
Iraq's oil will pay for the war
I looked into his soul
Reformer with results
Compassionate conservatism
Mission accomplished
Winning the war
Definitely winning the war
Not losing the war
Mistakes were made
Exit strategy

Examining Our Chances for Success in Iraq

Keep looking, sir.

Why the Long Face, Senator Stevens?

It was all smiles in the Oval Office yesterday as legislators and administration officials witnessed Pres. Bush sign the Magnuson-Stevens Fishery Conservation and Management Reauthorization Act of 2006 into law. The lone exception to the shits and giggles was Sen. Ted Stevens of Alaska, who was either unhappy at being posed in the photo equivalent of Siberia or pissed that everyone was laughing at his crappy gray pants.