Curse You, George W. Bush

Just when I had you pegged as a dangerous failure, you had to go and pick up a puppy. Well played, Mr. President. Well played.

*****UPDATE*****UPDATE*****UPDATE*****UPDATE*****

Apparently the dog's a Democrat.

I Can't Think of a Better Way to Satirize War and Warlords...

... than how Spanish performance artist Cuco Suarez chose to express himself in Oviedo, Spain yesterday. Obviously, if this doesn't get us out of Iraq, nothing will.

Know What The Great Thing Is About 3D Movies?

They don't make you look stupid at all.

Careful What You Wish For

To celebrate winning the Commander-in-Chief trophy for a third consecutive year, members of the U.S. Naval Academy football team today gave Pres. George W. Bush a magic ring as part of a ceremony held in the White House Rose Garden. Unfortunately, before anyone could warn him to choose his wishes wisely, Pres. Bush had already asked for a football with a Nike logo on it and an American flag lapel pin. When informed that the ring only came with two wishes, Pres. Bush then attempted to trade in the football for "victory in Iraq and stuff" but was rebuffed, at which he point he took his ball and lapel pin and went home, though not without first walking off in the wrong direction.

Hey, Porcupine

From today's Los Angeles Times:

"The president has to be like Moe Howard: At some point in every 'Three Stooges' short, Moe slaps both Curly and Larry and says, 'Get to work,' " said Bill Whalen, a research fellow at Stanford University's Hoover Institution. "There's a window of opportunity to get things done, but the window is getting smaller every day."

Here here. If there's anything we need from this president, it's more Moe.

Who Knew He Was A Republican?

According to an administration source, the two leading candidates to replace Scott McClellan as White House Press Secretary are Fox News host Tony Snow and Sesame Street's Elmo, shown here last Saturday accepting a Creative Craft Daytime Emmy Award for best performer in a children's series.

The source said that while Snow's Republican bona fides are reassuring to the administration, Pres. Bush recently told aides that the red-furred Muppet "gets me" and that Elmo's "tickle me" attitude might help deflect questions on the war in Iraq, the skyrocketing cost of gasoline and the president's plummeting approval rating.

Oh, It's On

The only question is -- how's it all gonna end?

Different Day, Same Nap

As part of a time-honored diplomatic prank, Vice President Dick Cheney and Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice pretended to fall asleep during Chinese President Hu Jintao's first visit to the Oval Office yesterday.

Not to be one-upped in the practical joke department, President George W. Bush later issued a series of confusing directions to the Chinese leader while simultaneously yanking Hu around by his suit sleeve.

President Hu is said to have taken the geopolitical hi-jinx in the lighthearted spirit it was intended, though a spokesperson did admit the pantsing delivered to Hu by outgoing Press Secretary Scott McClellan in the White House men's room may have taken things "a step too far" and accused McClellan of "milking the bit".

Hate To Be Her Tailor

Okay, tell me it doesn't look like Condoleeza Rice has three arms in this picture...

The Future's So Bright...

"I study nuclear science, I love my classes
I got a crazy teacher, he wears dark glasses
Things are going great, and they're only getting better

I'm doin' all right, getting good grades
The future's so bright I gotta wear shades"

-- Timbuk 3

No Agreement Reached, But Did Routine Anyway

Turns out Bud Abbott was wrong. Hu's on second, I Don't Know's on first... and he's a little grabby.

Guess that's diplomacy, Texas-style.

Shhhhh... He Can't Do Anything Evil When He's Asleep

The caption says this is a picture of U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney as he listens to remarks today at the Malcolm Baldrige National Quality Awards in Washington. But I prefer to think that he fell asleep in his chair and everyone figured it was easier to just leave him there. Something tells me he wakes up nasty.

Why I Oughtta...

To commemorate China's recent $5.2 billion order of 80 Boeing 737 jets, Chinese President Hu Jintao and Boeing Co. employee Paul Dernier today mimicked one another putting on baseball caps as part of a reenactment of the celebrated and highly comical nightgown mirror scene from the classic 1933 Marx Brothers movie, "Duck Soup". President Hu moves on to the White House tomorrow, where the Chinese leader will meet with Pres. George W. Bush to discuss such issues as trade, Taiwan, the value of the Yuan and the growing nuclear threat in Iran. Should the two world leaders reach agreement, it is expected that Hu and Bush will attempt to recreate the entire "Who's On First?" routine made famous by the comedy team of Abbott and Costello.

"The Decider"

Worst. Superhero. Ever.

His catchphrase kind of blows, too: "Fool me once, shame on... shame on you. Fool me... you can't get fooled again." Not exactly "Shazam!" or "It's Clobberin' Time!", now is it?

Seriously, Dude, You'll Get A Better View From Over There

On Tuesday, President George W. Bush ruled out a White House shake-up but new White House chief of staff Joshua Bolten today told top presidential aides to expect changes that "refresh and re-energize the team." To reconcile the apparent contradiction, administration officials engineered a presidential visit to a stone distribution company in Sterling, Va., where they attempted to convince Treasury Secretary John Snow, long rumored to be on his way out, to walk under a gigantic slab of granite, assuring him repeatedly that it was "quite safe."

WWJD...

... if He'd paid a hundred bucks a ticket and had to sit behind these two at Fenway this morning?

What Are You Lookin' At Me For?

From the Associated Press (bold mine):

Carmen Mercer, left, of Tombstone, Ariz., and Lisa Hall of Chicago patrol the southwestern desert near Sasabe, Ariz. Wednesday, April 12, 2006. Both women are part of the Minuteman Project monitoring the border from California to Texas in April. Mercer, originally from Germany, became a U.S. citizen in 1999.

Proving that sometimes you have to work at comedy and sometimes it just falls in your lap.

Big Time Pitcher

Vice President Dick Cheney looked pretty good as he threw out the ceremonial first pitch at the Washington Nationals' home opener today at RFK Stadium in Washington, D.C.
Poor groundskeeper never knew what hit him.

Hmm? Oh. Yeah. That's Really Fascinating. Totally.

I'm willing to bet the only thing more boring than getting a tour of your husband's childhood home from your husband is getting a tour of your husband's childhood home from a total stranger.

I almost feel sorry for her. Almost.

Bet They Kept The Polo Ponies In The Laundry Room

Above is a picture of President Bush's restored childhood bedroom in Midland, Texas. If pressed, I'd have to say my favorite part is the croquet set at the foot of the bed. Gives it that "common" touch, wouldn't you say? Does come as a relief, though, to see that the man's reading habits haven't changed...


... though I do wonder what Colbert will think when he discovers the president-to-be was a closet bear lover.

My Legs Hurt

As part of an obesity study, researchers from the Mayo Clinic have removed all the chairs from classrooms at Elton Hills Elementary School in Rochester, Minn. If successful, the study could lead to substantially slimmer children, improved learning and deal a direct blow to President Bush's "No Child Left Standing" program.

Thanks, But I Think I'll Stick With The Seal Hunting

According to Reuters, marine biologists from Moscow State University founded the Polyarny Krug facility on the coast of the White Sea in Russia's Karelia region three years ago in an effort to encourage eco-tourism and provide an alternative to seal hunting. In other words, they're hoping to induce visitors to the Artic region to lay down their seal clubs and instead to:

1) Go ice-diving...


2) Hike across the limitless frozen terrain...


3) And follow it all up by making use of what appears to be either their on-site pyschiatric services or the worst massage therapy you'll probably ever receive...


Good luck, seals. I'd say you're screwed.

Health Sags

Oh yes indeedy. It certainly does. Particularly at the ass-end of the worst presidency in the history of the nation.

Worst. Casino. Ever.

Wouldn't mind the carton-top or seat pad concession, though.