Three and a Half Hours Later You Discover He's Taken All Your Cash

Either Hasbro Games was in Times Square today promoting the newest edition of Monopoly or this guy is the most conspicuous, least effective Three Card Monte-type scam artist to ever hit the sidewalks of New York City.

Who Knew E-Ticket Stood For Elderly?

Visitors to Hong Kong Disneyland wore party hats today to celebrate the theme park's anniversary, officially marking one year as the The Oldest Place On Earth.

Political Football Season

Walt Handelsman's latest animation.

That's Progress

Actor Brad Pitt reveals in Esquire Magazine's October issue that he will consider marrying Angelina Jolie "when everyone else in the country who wants to be married is legally able." Pitt denied that this effectively meant he would never marry Jolie and that he'd actually become more comfortable with the concept of matrimony, noting that when asked a similar question last year, he said he'd marry the Academy Award-winning actress "when bats shoot out of my ass."

Hog Wild in America

Some days you wake up and you think you live in the most advanced, most sophisticated country in the world. And then one day you come across a picture of a wild hog walking across the road leading to Pad 39B and the Space Shuttle Atlantis at the Kennedy Space Center in Cape Canaveral and you realize... no you don't.

Fun With Numbers

According to a CNN poll released today, 76% of Americans describe themselves as "angry" about the way things are going in the country, while 54% of those polled said things in the U.S. are going either "pretty badly" or "very badly".

In an unrelated story, Condoleeza Rice told Essence Magazine that critics of the administration's Iraq policy were like "people who thought it was a mistake to fight the Civil War to its end and to insist that the emancipation of slaves would hold". She went on to say that she also felt sure "there were people who thought the Declaration of Independence was a mistake." This comes on the heels of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld comparing Iraqi war critics to Nazi appeasers.

So let's see -- opposing the war in Iraq means you're a pro-slavery Nazi sympathizer who hates the Declaration of Independence.

Awesome charm offensive, guys. Seriously. That really ought to get those numbers up.

You're Breaking Up

Lassi Etelaetalo tossed his cell phone 97 yards to win the World Mobile Phone Throwing Championship held in Savonlinna, Finland yesterday. Kudos to Mr. Etelaetalo but I'm happy to see they're giving youngsters a chance to compete, too. I didn't start throwing my cell phone until I was well into my adult years and while blinding rage will always be the foundation of any great cell phone toss, I certainly could have benefitted from a little technique, as well.

Pres. Bush's Heckuva Job Tour '06

The latest from Walt Handelsman.

That's Another Way to Go

According to Reuters, medical officials in Bangkok promoted the safety of eating Thai poultry yesterday by donning chicken outfits and holding signs that read "eating cooked chicken is safe." Okay... but couldn't they have just, oh I don't know, eaten chicken?

Craptastic Journalism, LA Times!

From today's Los Angeles Times:

Councilwoman Perry Attends to Civic Doody

Yes, this is an actual headline. Yes, the story that accompanies this actual headline is about how LA City Councilwoman Jan Perry picked up human poop from a sidewalk. And yes, it is the...

Worst. Headline. Ever.

By The Way, Indonesia?

I'd like to point out to the cracker-nibbling, clueless-how-to-celebrate-
Independence-Day nation of Indonesia, that the above picture shows a jubilant, ketchup-smeared Mr. Don Drenski shortly after he won the "bobbing for burgers" contest yesterday at the National Hamburger Festival in Akron, Ohio. I'd also like to point out that: a) this is what a real food-eating competition is supposed to look like and it wasn't even Independence Day in Akron; b) the burgers that contestants were bobbing for were plastic; and c) this picture absolutely makes me sick to my stomach. So come on, Indonesia -- if you start now, you can make your 62nd anniversary of independence from Dutch colonial rule something memorable.

Gorging on Freedom

Sixty one years of independence from Dutch colonial rule and Indonesia celebrates it with a stupid cracker eating contest? That doesn't make me want to vomit at all. Guess it takes a couple hundred more years of independence before you get your traditions down right.

Broken Borders

A future border patrol agent is shown here learning how to subdue heavily-padded undocumented aliens at the U.S. Border Patrol Training Academy in Artesia, New Mexico. One can only hope that once they've mastered that difficult training technique, they'll be equipped to crack down on the less heavily padded but still quite dangerous undocumented aliens who are systematically buying up all our best Star Trek memorabilia.

How Does Iraq Look Through Those?

That makes perfect sense. Rose-colored safety glasses.

How Much More Can We Take?

Sorry, Thomas Paine, but these are the times that try men's souls. Former pop icon Boy George is now sweeping the streets in New York City...


Garfield the Cat is actually a young Chinese man and occasionally a young Chinese woman...


And thanks to U.S. travel restrictions, I apparently missed Fidel Castro/Hugo Chavez Bobblehead Night in Havana..

News That's Both Informative and Yummy

Not to bite the hand that doesn't even come close to feeding me, but doesn't this picture from Reuters showing late Chairman Mao Zedong "sipping" from a McDonald's drink cup strike you as kind of a, oh what's the word, stupid way of illustrating a story about how "China's annual consumer inflation unexpectedly fell in July to 1.0 percent from 1.5 percent in June"?

It's kind of like using this picture...

... to make the point that the Italian economy is "holding up well" under the Premier Romano Prodi and heading for its best performance in five years . Or using this photo...

... to illustrate, oh I don't know, how easy it would be to crush George Washington's head.

Sorry, Kids

Okay, I totally get the new security rules covering shampoos and other liquids. But we have to check kids now, too?

Maybe Dog Hair Makes Him Angry?

Above we see a photo of the passenger seat of Maurice Clarett's SUV taken after the former Ohio State star running back was arrested early Wednesday morning in Columbus, Ohio. The 6-foot, 245-pound Clarett was seen driving erractically, which led to a highway chase that only ended when police spiked his tires and subdued the athlete with pepper spray. A spokesman said officials are currently investigating why Clarett was wearing a bulletproof vest at the time of the incident and why he was driving around with three loaded semiautomatic handguns and a loaded AK-47-type assault rifle in his car.

As for me, I'm kind of curious about the lint brush.

Ho Ho Holy Crap, It's Hot (#2)

If you're looking for more proof that global warming's real, Santa's traded in the fleece and fur trim for a light cotton safari suit that breathes and he's shitcanned his reindeer for a team of zebras. Zebras, people.

We the Peephole

Walt Handelsman's latest animation.

Robot Roundup

Scientists across the globe are making tremendous leaps in robot technology. Japanese electronics manufacturer Hitachi recently unveiled its new robot-on-wheels EMIEW, shown here demonstrating its ability to work as a bellman at a Tokyo hotel.


Japan's biggest toymaker, Bandai Co., announced on Thursday it will soon be selling the 4-foot-high, 77-pound Mobile Suit Gundam. Based on a popular Japanese cartoon, this charming robot can roar and blink its eyes and will surely delight its largely adult male fan base when it becomes available this Christmas.


During his recent visit to the United States, British Prime Minister Tony Blair had the opportunity to talk with a "Health Robot" during a tour of Cisco Systems headquarters in San Jose, California. The mechanical healthcare provider, currently being tested at five hospitals worldwide, allows doctors to consult with patients in remote areas through a broadband wireless connection.


Meanwhile in Beijing, scientists at the Chinese Academy of Sciences are currently testing an unnamed female robot that its inventors claim can speak Sichuan, respond to human voices and act as a receptionist and museum tour guide.


And finally, in Washington D.C., American scientists are road-testing a device affectionately known as the Dickbot. While the robot is programmed to sneer and raise its left arm in a reasonable facsimile of a warm greeting, scientists agree they still need to work on the robot's human qualities. Scientists are quick to point out, however, that the Dickbot has still been able to collect millions of dollars at GOP fundraisers, despite the fact that two-thirds of Americans dislike him intensely.


The Dickbot is shown here "waving" to supporters of Senate candidate Tom Kean Jr. at a fundraiser in Newark, N.J. last March.

Go, Condi!

Wolf Blitzer just told CNN viewers that Secy. of State Condoleezza Rice might be heading for her "breakout moment" if she's able to engineer a cease-fire and a sustainable resolution to the Mideast crisis in the coming days. Gosh, I sure hope she's able to pull it off. Hate to think all this blood got spilled in the region and no one in the Bush administration got a p.r. boost out of it.

Call Me a Purist

Uh, excuse me? Would someone mind telling me when the so-called "organizers" of the Mutton Bustin' competition at the Lambtown USA Festival in Dixon, California, started requiring the contestants to wear helmets? Wow. It's like I don't even recognize the sport any more.

In Space, No One Can Hear You Clean

Russian space officials, facing an accelerated training schedule, severe budget constraints and soaring cleaning costs, attempted to save both time and money by washing the spacesuits used by cosmonaut Michael Tyurin of Russia and U.S. astronaut Michael Lopez-Alegria while the men were still in them. After being repeatedly dipped in warm, soapy water, Tyurin and Lopez-Alegria were then squeezed by Russian space officials and later hung out on a line in the backyard of the Moscow facility. If they dry out in time, the two men are scheduled to replace members of the current crew of the International Space Station ISS.

Slip Slidin' Away

How's this for a powerful symbol of where we are right now? Troops served up on the back of a truck while the president skeedaddles off to his ranch. Enjoy your August vacation, sir.

What Does History Taste Like?

A Doberman pinscher named Barney who was guarding a $900,000 collection of rare teddy bears at a children's museum in London went on a rampage Tuesday night, chewing up hundreds of dolls including one once owned by a young Elvis Presley. The Elvis bear is owned by English aristocrat Benjamin Slade, who purchased it at an Elvis memorabilia auction in Memphis and had loaned it to the museum. "I've spoken to the bear's owner," said Daniel Medley, general manager of the Wookey Hole Caves near Wells, England, "and he is not very pleased at all."

That must have been a fun call.

Suddenly a Cow and a Wheel of Cheese Don't Look So Bad

I'm trying to get it up for North Dakota's quarter today -- really, I am. After all, how can anything that makes North Dakota Lt. Gov. Jack Dalrymple this happy be bad? But I have to be honest, I don't know if I'm going to get there. It's not that the design is unattractive or doesn't accurately reflect the virtually human-free nature of that cold, barren state well to my north. It's just that, well, I'm kind of over the sun burst thing.

Water Sports

My nominations for the least refreshing photos of the day:

1)

A two-year-old from Auburn, Washington, bending over to kiss Stuart the dachshund at the Green River on Monday. This was actually going to be considered in the "Most Refreshing Photo" category until I checked out the action going on under the kid's diaper.

2)

Hundreds of residents jamming themselves into a pool in Nanjing, in east China's Jiangsu province after temperatures hit 100 degrees Fahrenheit on Sunday. Refer to our 2-year-old, dachshund-smooching friend from above and the definition of the term fecal coliform if there's any question as to why this photo has been included.

3)

Swimmers competing in the annual Bog Snorkelling Championships taking place near Dungannon in County Tyrone in Northern Ireland on Sunday. Competitors are required to swim two lengths of a water-filled trench cut through a peat bog. Bog snorkelling suddenly makes annual cheese-rolling competition held in the western England town of Brockworth, Gloucestershire look positively enlightened.