Dear Good Citizens of Dover, PA:
God here. I thought I should reach out to you personally in light of Pat Robertson’s remarks yesterday that in voting out of office those school board members who supported “intelligent design”, you had in essence “voted God out of your city” and that if disaster were to befall you in the future and you should turn to Me for help that I “might not be there.”
I'm here to tell you that nothing could be further from the truth. The truth is, Mr. Robertson doesn’t speak for Me. I didn’t die and appoint him Me. However, he is right about one thing. You, in fact, did vote Me out of your city and to that point I have only one thing to say: I hear you.
I clearly disappointed you over the last term and to close My eyes to that obvious fact would be foolish. That’s why I’d like to take this opportunity to go on record, right here, right now, and say the following: You may have voted Me out of your city but I am not going away. I won’t be disappearing from sight, hiding on some puffy white cloud, licking my wounds and throwing thunderbolts at the TV while I write a scathing memoir about how no one understands Me or My ideas and how the only explanation for what's happened is that I’m somehow ahead of My time. Heck, I created time, so not only would that be intellectually disingenuous but physically impossible, as well.
But I digress. My point here is simply to reassure you, the good citizens of Dover, PA, that the next time you go to the polls, you will find My name on the ballot, proudly but humbly seeking your vote. But – and I can’t stress this enough – it won’t be the same old God that you, in your collective wisdom, clearly found wanting. It will be a new and improved God, a God who listened to his constituents, a God who better understands what you want, who is more responsive to your needs, who “gets” it and is intensely aware of the fact that times have changed and that the Celestial Father needs to change with them.
Because in voting Me out of Dover, you’ve profoundly changed Me. But mind you, not all of Me. There is one thing that remains unalterable and that is this – I still love you. All of you. Even the ones who voted me out of the city. And I always will. You can take that to the bank.
So once again, I'd like to thank you for all your support over the years and I remain convinced in the belief that together we will move forward to a better place and happier, healthier times.
P.S. Vote me out again and I will smite you with such a wrathful vengeance it’ll make Hurricane Katrina, that earthquake in Pakistan and the tsunami in South Asia look like a birthday circle at Gymboree.