Thursday, November 03, 2005

Private First Class Claus

Despite assurances that newly lowered recruitment requirements would not affect the nation's battle readiness and would be well within standards mandated by the Pentagon and Congress, the Army's recent decision to conscript the portly, superannuated graduates of a three-day, Michigan-based Santa School has raised more than a few eyebrows among lawmakers and military analysts in Washington. An Army spokesman vehemently denied that the Kris Kringle Brigade was being formed as a result of recent recruitment difficulties, adding that the ability to shimmy down chimneys, operate a reindeer sleigh and accurately remember who was naughty and who was nice made the fighting Santas a valued military asset that could be used in almost any conflict the nation might find itself involved in with the exception of Syria, where the extreme heat might make their heavy wool suits and thick, bushy facial hair problematic.

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