Science News

A team of American-led divers has discovered a new crustacean living near Easter Island in the South Pacific, it was announced today by the French Research Institute for Exploitation of the Sea. Named a Kiwi hirsuta, the eyeless shellfish is roughly 15 centimeters in length and is said to resemble a furry lobster. Meanwhile, scientists in West Hollywood who believed they had also discovered a new crustacean had their hopes dashed when the creature was revealed to simply be musician Eddie Van Halen making an appearance at the Annual Elton John Academy Awards Viewing Dinner and After-Party.

Who's Got The Biggest Head In Hollywood?

Wolfgang Puck and it's not even close. The Austrian chef and his unusually large head are shown here posing with an actual-sized Oscar at the Academy Awards last night. By way of comparison, director Ang Lee is pictured below holding his Oscar next to his normal sized head.

Shameless Self-Promotion, Koufax Awards Division

If you're so inclined -- and only if you're so inclined -- feel free to stroll over to Wampum and vote for Pearlswine (comment your vote?) for Most Humorous Blog. Or not. Or vote for one of the other nominees you think more worthy of earning the title "Most Humorous".

Can't promise a vote for Pearlswine will mean anything -- in fact, among the fruitless acts of kindness you'll perform over the course of your life, it'll probably rank just above the time you let that asshole in the bright yellow Hummer cut in front of you on the freeway and just below the time in the 4th grade when you donated money to the "Save the Raisins" foundation. But I'll ask you this -- did either of them ever offer you a picture of Ramu and Babu in return?


I didn't think so.

Heh, Heh

President Bush laughed politely today at Acharya N.G. Ranga Agriculture University in Hyderabad, India, after his hosts suggested that it "took a pair this size" to declare Mission Accomplished in Iraq.

Subtle

The Bush administration has reportedly kicked off a campaign to convince Vice President Dick Cheney to leave office prior to the end of his term. According to sources, the White House arranged for the embattled Mr. Cheney to deliver the keynote address at today's U.S. Labor Department's 2006 National Summit on Retirement Savings at the Willard Hotel in Washington. During the speech, photographers were only allowed to shoot the Vice President from an angle where words such as "geezer", "crotchety" and "old fart" were visible behind his head. The Vice President has also repeatedly gone out to his mailbox in recent days only to discover it stuffed suspiciously full of advertisements for assisted living communities, geriatric medical supplies and discount coupons for adult diapers.

Duck Season

Vice President Dick Cheney is pictured here shooting a duck in the neck with a tiny gun while an aide holds the animal's wings back. A spokesman said that the specially arranged duck hunt, held in the backyard of the Vice President's Residence in Washington D.C., was the result of Mr. Cheney's desire to be "extra careful" after he accidentally shot a hunting companion in the face during a quail hunt earlier this month. But one source claims that Vice President Cheney simply finds hunting the farm-raised quail "too challenging" and prefers the easier but slightly less sporting "restrained duck" approach. A spokesman said the hunt at the residence went so well that the Vice President is planning a caged rabbit hunt at the end of next month.

Hello? Is This Thing On?

President Bush addressed a group of the nation's governors at the White House tonight but in a rare display of bipartisan solidarity, nobody listened. It was not clear whether the gesture was a protest against the administration's domestic wiretapping program, its approval of a deal that would allow a Dubai-based company to take over operations at several U.S. ports, or the fact that he was just really, really boring. There are also reports that even the portrait of Abraham Lincoln shifted positions so as not to listen to what the president had to say.

Think You Got That Backwards

Speaking for the part of the country that's not Texas, I'm thinking you owe us. Thanks for Bush, assholes.

Hope you got your stupid beads.

The Nation's First Line of Defense

As part of his ongoing "Securing America" campaign, President Bush led reporters onto the White House lawn today and demonstrated some of the state-of-the-art technology being considered by Homeland Security officials. In the event that terrorists are spotted approaching a location of vital importance to the United States, the President indicated that security officials would be authorized to "pull the wire real tight", causing "those Al Qaeda folks or troublemakers of any sort" to lose their balance, stumble and quite possibly fall. He then dared the assembled journalists to "go 'head and just try" to walk across the wire. But with the President's recent demonstration of Homeland Security's "Wet Willie" and "Purple Nurple" devices fresh in their minds, there were no takers.

Operation: The President's A Dork

Working like a charm.

Would You Buy A Used Ovonics Solar Cell Processor From This Man?

Boy, he's some kind of slick salesman, ain't he?

Canada Supports Dick

In an apparent show of solidarity with a fellow neo-conservative, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper today defended embattled Vice President Dick Cheney by declaring that "accidents do happen" and revealing that he himself had accidentally shot and killed a penguin on a recent trip to an Ottawa zoo. Like Vice President Cheney, the Prime Minister took total responsibility for the shooting, though he did point out that the penguin "did pop out rather suddenly from behind that rock." The press conference appears to be part of a concerted effort to bring the two countries closer and comes a day after newly-appointed U.S. ambassador Michael Wilson announced that there was "definitely fixing-up work to be done" regarding relations between Canada and the United States.

If You Scroll Down Really Fast...

... it kind of reads like a movie.

Glad they're enjoying themselves, anyway.

Bush Tells A Dick Joke

Dusting off ventriloquism skills he hadn't used since his undergraduate days at Yale, President Bush and a dummy are shown at this evening's Valentine's Day Social Dinner in the East Room of the White House performing a puppet reenactment of Vice President Cheney's recent quail hunting accident. The president reportedly had his guests in stitches when the dummy, which bears a striking resemblance to pianist Michael Feinstein, clutched his face, neck and chest and uttered the punchline "Ooh, ya got me!" to the hoots and hollers of the delighted crowd.

Nobody's Safe

Despite the White House's best efforts to make the story go away, Vice President Dick Cheney shot beloved National Zoo panda Mei Xiang while her 7-month-old cub Tai Shan watched in horror. According to a spokesperson, the Vice President apparently shot Mei Xiang, whose name means "beautiful fragrance", when the 7-year-old Giant Panda "didn't announce her presence."

Uh, I Think I'll Stay Out Here

President Bush's dog Barney spent an unusually long time playing in the Rose Garden today. A White House spokesperson claimed the five-year-old Scottish Terrier simply "enjoys the snow" but animal behaviorists have observed that many of the dog's lengthier outdoor romps have coincided with visits to the residence by Vice President Dick Cheney.

Don't Let This Happen To You, Part II

On the heels of President Bush's none-too-subtle threat to set ablaze any fellow Republican who publicly opposes his domestic eavesdropping program, Vice President Dick Cheney shot a 78-year-old friend in the cheek, neck and chest with a shotgun today. The shooting occurred shortly after Sen. Jack Reed (D - R.I.) and Sen. George Allen (R - Va.) came out in support of an investigation into whether the Vice President authorized a leak of classified information to reporters. The incident has led some to believe that by spraying a geriatric old friend with buckshot, the Vice President is sending a message to a future special prosecutor that, in the words of one source, he's "really in no mood to be fucked with."

***** UPDATE ***** UPDATE ***** UPDATE***** UPDATE *****

Vice Pres. Dick Cheney stepped up his alleged intimidation campaign today when, after shooting an old guy with a shotgun, he buried a cute little puppy up to his neck in snow.

***** UPDATE ***** UPDATE ***** UPDATE ***** UPDATE *****

According to an unconfirmed source, Vice President Dick Cheney used one of the Pentagon's top-secret freeze-guns to turn a couple of New York City schoolchildren into snowmen. More details as they develop.

Chinese Mexican Standoff in Russia

Progress on whether to admit Russia to the World Trade Organization ground to a sudden halt today in Moscow when the Group of Eight finance ministers and Russian President Vladimir Putin couldn't agree on who should have ultimate control over their table's Lazy Susan. The complex negotiations were reportedly speeding toward a conclusion but quickly broke down shortly after the group's Chinese food arrived and an unnamed G8 official and President Putin both reached for the Tofu in Brown Sauce dish simultaneously. According to one source, U.S. Treasury Secretary John Snow attempted to broker an agreement by dumping the remains of the tofu dish on his plate and declaring the impasse "no longer relevant," for which he got a finger in the eye.

Don't Let This Happen to You

President Bush spoke to the House Republican Caucus yesterday, reiterating his position that his domestic surveillance policy was perfectly legal and has the complete backing of the Justice Department, adding "we put constant checks on the program." He then ushered out reporters and lit a man on fire to demonstrate the consequences for any member of the caucus who chooses not to support the administration's position on the NSA eavesdropping.

Dear Disney,

I can't tell you how thrilled I was to hear that you are now open to offers for your on-air personalities in exchange for the rights to cartoon characters. Okay, I'll confess I was a little miffed about not hearing that Al Michaels was on the market until it was too late and that NBC Universal had already scooped him up before I'd even gotten out of bed. But no hard feelings, and I mean that. I tend not to get out of bed until late morning anyway and I'm sure a memo went out and I just missed it. It really has been crazy around here lately.

In any case, given that you were willing to part with one of America's preeminent sportscasters in exchange for Oswald the Lucky Rabbit, I thought you might be interested in one of my characters.

As you can see, he's cute, well dressed and though hand-drawn, I'm fairly certain he would fit quite nicely into your company's post-Pixar-acquisition plans. My character doesn't have a name -- though "Spunky" seems about right -- and in the spirit of full disclosure, I really don't know what he looks like from the bow-tie down. I am, however, more than willing to spend a little more time drawing if that turns out to be a deal-breaker.

Just so we can cut through things and let the bean-counters do their thing, in exchange for my character I'll probably be looking for someone on the order of Teri Hatcher or Eva Longoria, though I could probably be talked into Jimmy Kimmel because he makes me laugh.

Anyway, you have my number. Looking forward to hearing from you guys.