Monday, October 31, 2005

Who Are You To Judge?

Pres. Bush today nominated Appeals Court Judge Samuel Alito to replace Justice Sandra Day O'Connor on the Supreme Court. If confirmed, Alito would give the High Court a decidedly conservative bent and would likely have a significant impact on such issues as civil rights, affirmative action and abortion, not to mention make scenes such as the one below a thing of the past.

Just Checking

In an apparent attempt not to make the same mistake twice, Sen. Bill Frist (R – Tenn.) visited the Rotunda of the U.S. Capitol today to see for himself if Rosa Parks, the woman whose bold and courageous refusal to give up a seat on a Montgomery, Ala. bus inspired the modern civil rights movement, was actually dead. Last March, Sen. Frist, who is the Senate majority leader and a licensed medical doctor, declared Terri Schiavo “alive” and “not in a persistent vegetative state” after viewing a videotape of the coma victim, who an autopsy later proved to be brain dead and in a persistent vegetative state. Sen. Frist did not comment to reporters but did appear to agree that Ms. Parks was, in fact, deceased.

Friday, October 28, 2005

We Feel Your Pain

Pres. Bush comments on the indictment of Vice President Dick Cheney's chief of staff Lewis 'Scooter' Libby Jr. on charges of obstruction of justice, making a false statement and perjury in the CIA leak case. During the White House press conference, at least four microphones gave out and flopped to the ground simultaneously, apparently having reached what technicians refer to as their "pure bullshit" capacity.

In Case of Indictment...

... break glass, remove prop soldiers, stand in front of them, continue to talk about War on Terror, repeat as necessary.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

The Best Defense

In anticipation of being charged with a crime by CIA leak investigator Patrick Fitzgerald , Vice Presidential Chief of Staff Lewis 'Scooter' Libby walked out of the Eisenhower Executive Office Building this morning with the aid of crutches, signalling that he may intend to play the seldomly-employed "sympathy card" defense in any future court proceedings. According to one inside source, presidential political adviser Karl Rove may also be planning to make a similar appeal for leniency and is reported to have spent the past two weeks working on a painful limp and a "yucky-sounding cough from a cold that just won't go away."

History Repeats?

I realize it's premature and the comparison isn't entirely accurate -- Nixon was elected president and Rove merely controlled one -- but:

Pres. Richard Nixon on his final day in office...

... and Karl Rove on his?


Okay, so it was premature.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Safety First

Aiming for a safe pick to avoid the controversy that has arisen over his choice of Harriet Miers for the vacant Supreme Court position, Pres. Bush tapped Chairman of the Council of Economic Advisers Ben Bernanke to be the next Federal Reserve chief after an extensive background check turned up only this slightly embarrassing greeting card sent by Bernanke to the president in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Hurricane Wilma Coverage

From the AP:

Caption: "Jean Moore, left, of Fort Myers, Fla., reads a newspaper as David Bright, talks on a cell phone at a Red Cross hurricane shelter set up at the Germain Arena in Estero, Fla., Sunday, Oct. 23, 2005 in preparation for the arrival of Hurricane Wilma."

Message Conveyed: This storm is a huge inconvenience and even though the people pictured above undoubtedly appreciate that they've got a safe place to ride out the hurricane, they've got to be awfully bored and aren't we, in turn, fortunate to be out of harm's way.

From Reuters:

Caption: "Andre Pena (R) rests with his children Andres (L) and Hector inside a hurricane shelter at Florida International University in Miami, Florida October 23, 2005. The Penas family evacuated from Florida Keys to the shelter ahead of the predicted arrival of Hurricane Wilma October 24."

Message Conveyed: Hurricanes suck, especially if you have young children, but people are resilient and really seem to be making the best of a difficult situation.

From the AP:

Caption: "Leonard Hasbrouck, right, who plans to ride out the storm in his mobile home, waves to firefighters warning residents of the Sunburst RV Park in Fort Myers Beach, Fla., to evacuate in anticipation of the arrival of Hurricane Wilma, Sunday, Oct. 23, 2005. Tropical storm-force wind was expected to begin lashing the state late Sunday and meteorologists said the heart of the storm was expected to roar across the state Monday."

Message Conveyed: The world is made up of all sorts of people with all sorts of motivations for doing what they do and they come in all shapes and sizes and are all deserving of our respect, sympathy and support.

From Reuters:

Caption: "Jessica Hesser looks out to sea as her eighteen-month-old daughter Sari plays in the sand on the beach in Naples, Florida October 23, 2005. Some residents were making last minute preparations with Hurricane Wilma less than 24 hours away."

Message Conveyed: Umm... huh. Well, I suppose this picture demonstrates... that is to say, it probably tells us that... Aw, hell. The photographer just got tired of taking pictures of sad, tired, wrinkly people.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Curse Reversed

This year, the collapse at Fenway happened after the season was over. You know, last season really did change everything.

The Great Communicator, Jr.

Increasingly desperate for a "bullhorn moment" to rescue his foundering second term, Pres. Bush today beseeched officials at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library in Simi Valley, Ca., to "tear down this wall". Confused library officials reportedly exchanged glances and smiled politely before reminding the invited guests and dignitaries not to miss the "neat Air Force One exhibit" before they go.

Flabby Road?

Hey, if you don't like it, you try and do better.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Ow, Ow, Stop It, Ow

In Los Angeles today, Pres. Bush sweetly allowed Dr. Raymond Goodman, retired medical doctor and professor, to believe he still had such a strong, youthful grip that he was actually hurting the President when they shook hands. Unfortunately, the President played his well-intentioned prank on the doctor without first alerting the Secret Service, who subsequently gang-tackled Dr. Goodman and beat the 85-year-old senseless before packing him off for interrogation at Gitmo.

Mysteries of the Deep

Quentin would admit later that he was less interested in knowing why there was a dolphin riding the subway with him that morning than why the dolphin had a necktie coming out of his throat.

Celebrating Public Transportation, International Style

From the AP: "South Korean bee farmer Ahn Sang-kyu is covered by bees in Daegu, south of Seoul, Thursday, Oct. 20, 2005. Ahn, a local bee farmer, released over 260,000 bees and attracted them to his body to celebrate the opening of a new subway in his town."

Uh, so what do the South Koreans do when they're really happy?

There's Simply No Good Excuse For This Post

And if I were more mature, I might have let that stop me. But since I'm not and since I didn't... how big?

A Nose For News

At a Rose Garden press conference Thursday, President Bush vowed that despite the "background noise" created by the growing CIA leak scandal, the controversy over his nomination of Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court and the investigation of top Republican leaders, he would not allow himself to be distracted. However, that vow was broken moments later when a reporter from the Nose Ring Times raised his hand and asked for the President's position on nipple piercing.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

How Am I Doing?

According to the White House website, the picture above shows Pres. Bush and U.S. Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings meeting in the Oval Office on Wednesday to discuss the Nation's Report Card, which the President termed an "encouraging report." Less than encouraging, however, was the President's Report Card, delivered to the nation's chief executive by a disgruntled, flooded-out resident of the Algiers neighborhood of New Orleans four weeks earlier.

Though the President reportedly issued an immediate and heartfelt promise to do better next time, sources claim that the minute he was inside Air Force One, the chief executive whipped out a black magic marker and attempted to change the word "Sucks" to "Socks" but only succeeded in making matters worse, as "Bush Socks" makes no sense.

Should Have Gone With The Chicken Costume

Can't say this with any certainty but it would appear that John O'Brien, dressed as Massachusetts' first Gov. John Winthrop, must have lost some sort of bet last night. According to the news report, he's pictured above reading a Winthrop sermon to Mass. legislators during a ceremony commemorating the 375th anniversary of the Great and General court of Massachusetts. But I've read that sermon and I'm here to tell you... it ain't that funny.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Went To a Fight and a Hockey Game Broke Out

Oh, that's right. I'd forgotten why I didn't miss hockey. Thanks, guys.

Motor City Meltown **UPDATE**

Stung by a 33% drop in the sale of new vehicles and the apparent end of the public's love affair with the SUV, American auto makers are scrambling to find new markets for their products. Among the projects currently being worked on is the Dog Car, but before the prototype pictured above can be mass-produced, engineers will have to invent a car-shrinking ray and figure out a way to teach dogs to drive. Despite the enormous technical obstacles involved, a spokesperson for the Big Three said the effort was still preferable to designing fuel-efficient cars that consumers may actually want to buy. However, legislation is currently pending in Congress that will qualify the Dog Car as a light-duty truck.


To demonstrate their concern for the environment and that calls for increased fuel efficiency are not going unheard in this age of $3-a-gallon gas prices, the Big Three automakers announced today that they plan to develop a parrot-driven tricycle and have it ready for sale in the nation's showrooms by September of 2007. Unlike the Dog Car, the Parrocycle will not require the invention of any new technology, nor will it involve any particularly difficult animal training techniques. However, because there are far fewer parrots in the country than dogs, automakers did concede that the vehicle's impact on U.S. gas consumption may be minimal.

Just Kiddin'

Louisiana Gov. Kathleen Blanco, testifying today before a House Transportation and Infrastructure Committee joint hearing via video teleconferencing, appears to be decidedly not enjoying the "How many Louisiana governors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" joke that was shared by fellow committee attendees Mitchell Landrieu, Lt. Gov. of Louisiana, and jazz great and New Orleans native Wynton Marsalis during a break in the proceedings. According to a source sitting within earshot of the giddy, palsy-walsy pair, the answer to the joke was "one", though neither Landrieu nor Marsalis would divulge why that would be when asked about it later. Some speculated that the joke was merely "payback" for the "What's bald, is sitting next to Wynton Marsalis and is wearing a gold tie?" joke the Governor had told earlier in the day.

Nobody Knows Anything

A spokesperson for Walt Disney admitted today that Corky the Caulkicephalus Trimicrodon, pictured above, was officially the worst-selling plush toy in the history of the studio. Executives at the Burbank-based company believed young audience members would fall in love with the plucky but terrifying fish-eating reptile, which was based on an actual 65 million-year-old dinosaur discovered off the coast of England three years ago. But audience testing showed that the ferocious creature's massive fang-like teeth and its tendency to make achingly bad puns caused a majority of three-to-eight-year-olds who viewed the animated feature to wet themselves and claw at their seats in a desperate but futile attempt to escape. Furious theater owners are currently demanding that the studio pull the cartoon and reimburse them for their rather extensive cleaning and repair costs.

Monday, October 17, 2005

What's Black and White and Blue All Over?

Answer: Tai Shan, the only newspaper-reading panda in captivity. After skimming most of Judith Miller's mea not-so-culpa yesterday, the giant male panda cub informed his keepers through a series of grunts and snorts that he has officially sworn off the New York Times "once and for all". Tai Shan, who is housed at the National Zoo, admitted that while he'll miss the Sunday crossword and Frank Rich's "consistently intelligent, lively and enlightening" weekly column, he won't miss the crappy reporting that provided cover for the Bush administration to send the country to war over baseless WMD charges.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Bring It On

Pres. Bush cut short his Camp David retreat today to take on a five-armed microphone-headed beast that landed in the middle of the White House lawn and refused several polite requests to leave. Waving off heavily armed Secret Service guards and with a throng of concerned citizens looking on, the President silently stared the creature down for over three and a half minutes. When that attempt to defuse the situation proved fruitless, Pres. Bush then ran through a series of scary, threatening faces before trying the old "I'll give you three seconds to get out of here" trick. After counting down to zero by halfsies, the president then issued what he termed would be his "final warning" and informed the creature that he had a vaporizing gun in his pocket and wasn't afraid to use it, adding "... and I'm serious." The president would later admit that he, in fact, did not have a vaporizing gun in his pocket and might very well have been afraid to use it but felt strongly that "the monster didn't need to know that." The monster did finally leave, but only after Karl Rove lured it off the property by dangling White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan off the end of a fishing pole.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Motor City Meltdown

Stung by a 33% drop in the sale of new vehicles and the apparent end of the public's love affair with the SUV, American auto makers are scrambling to find new markets for their products. Among the projects currently being worked on is the Dog Car, but before the prototype pictured above can be mass-produced, engineers will have to invent a car-shrinking ray and figure out a way to teach dogs to drive. Despite the enormous technical obstacles involved, a spokesperson for the Big Three said the effort was still preferable to designing fuel-efficient cars that consumers may actually want to buy.

Friday, October 14, 2005

You, Sir, Are No Condom

Mind you, I'm no fan of PETA. But given a choice between supporting this Playboy bunny's protest of KFC in Anchorage...

... and whatever the hell it was these condoms were protesting during Karl Rove's grand jury appearance today in Washington...

... I kind of have to go with the chicken thing. And not because the bunny is so beautiful but because those condoms are just that stupid.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

You're Grounded, Mr. President

On Thursday, Pres. Bush expressed his support for the troops in Iraq via video-conference and telephoned former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher to wish her a happy 80th birthday. No official word was available on why the travel-happy president conducted the photo-ops remotely, though unsubstantiated reports have circulated that V.P. Dick Cheney took away Pres. Bush's Air Force One privileges after the chief executive brought the presidential plane home from his eighth trip to the Gulf States with a sizeable, unexplained dent and an almost completely empty gas tank.

Monday, October 10, 2005


Okay! We get it! You're rolling up your sleeves, for Christ's sake! You're on the job! You're highly, highly competent and you didn't show egregiously bad management skills in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina at all and you're the bestest bestest president ever!! So how 'bout we all agree that this was your goddamned bullhorn moment and you stop with the pictures already? Okay?! Sound like a plan? Please?!

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Me No Like Him

Above, former White House press secretary Ari Fleischer promised to answer every last question at the Republican Jewish Coalition today in Des Moines, Iowa. Meanwhile, in Denver, nineteen-month-old Russell Watson threatened to eat a hot chili pepper if Mr. Fleischer didn't shut up.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Justice Is Blind... and Pissed Off

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia stood at the Waldorf Astoria podium pictured above and delivered a rambling, six-hour-long, invective-filled speech denouncing President Bush for appointing John Roberts to the position of Chief Justice instead of him. The podium, which is located in High Court justice's cluttered, Washington D.C.-area rec room, was hand-built by Scalia for this very purpose and the speech came to an end only after Scalia's wife had informed him that his dinner had been on the table for over an hour, was already stone-cold and that she was going upstairs to bed.

The Healing Touch

The highly publicized partnership of NASA and high-end specialty retailer Sharper Image appears to have finally paid off with the introduction yesterday of the combination Mars Rover prototype and Kiddie Back and Thigh Massager. According to representatives of the joint project, reactions from children involved in initial testing of the 3-ton device ranged from "very relaxing" to "I can't feel my legs." In development for over ten years at a cost of just under $80 billion, the rover/massager is expected to hit store shelves in time for Christmas and could mean, in the words of one excited potential customer, that "the days of pretending to enjoy your girlfriend's crappy back rubs will soon be over." (AP Photo/John Amis)

Friday, October 07, 2005

You're Only As Old As You Feel

In an effort to make the Vice President appear younger and more vital, Republican strategists have decided to permanently surround Dick Cheney with a cushion of old people. One high-level insider, however, admitted that they may need to "age up the cushion" in order to achieve the desired effect.