Sunday, August 07, 2005

Marilyn and Me

Just read the transcript of Marilyn Monroe's last shrink session, wherein she describes how she stood naked in front of a full-length mirror and took stock of her 36-year-old body. Always ready for a challenge, I decided to drag out my full-length mirror to determine how my 43-year-old body stacks up against her slightly younger but far more celebrated one.

Marilyn Monroe: "My breasts are beginning to sag a bit."
Bill Diamond: My breasts appear in pretty good shape, though it's kind of hard to tell because they're covered in hair, some of it gray.
Winner: Draw

Marilyn Monroe: "My waist isn't bad."
Bill Diamond: I'm wearing the same size jeans as I did in high school, only the ones I wore in high school were those stupid flared, bell-bottomy things that were all the rage back then.
Winner: Draw

Marilyn Monroe: "[My] buttocks are still 'the best.' "
Bill Diamond: Maybe they were the best... but only till my sweet cheeks came along.
Winner: Bill Diamond

Based on the above objective assessment, I feel confident in concluding that I'm hotter at 43 than Marilyn Monroe was at 36.

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