Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Can't Put Ethyl Chloride On That One

The Associated Press is reporting that a 41-year-old man from Kuala Lumpur is having his penis surgically reattached in a northern Malaysian hospital after severing it in an attempt to prove to his wife he was not having an affair. The man's 14-year-old son told the New Straits Times he heard loud screams, then saw his father emerge from his room bleeding profusely.

Geez. Talk about your wasted, empty gestures. Everyone knows the three surest signs you're cheating on your wife are when you: 1) order flowers for no good reason; 2) come home with lipstick on your collar and ladies' perfume on your clothes; and 3) sever your penis to prove you're not cheating on your wife.

Straining for Victory

To prove his strength, U.S. Sen. Charles Schumer today lifted a replica of the Stanley Cup over his head at the New York State Democratic Convention in Buffalo. Not to be outdone on the day she received her party's endorsement for Senate, U.S. Sen. Hillary Clinton attempted to lift former President Bill Clinton over her head. She was unsuccessful.

Sources close to Sen. Clinton are downplaying her inability to bench press her husband. But many within the party are worried that her vulnerability on the strength issue could impact her presidential aspirations, in light of televangelist Pat Robertson's recent claim that he can leg-press 2,000 pounds in his sneakered feet.

In a related story, there is still no word on the condition of Mr. Robertson's pants.

Who Could See That Coming?

The tallest building in Kazakhstan, a 32-story, 426-foot government-owned skyscraper nicknamed "the cigarette lighter", caught fire yesterday. Government officials sought to reassure those Kazakhstanis currently housed in the nation's second tallest skyscraper, nicknamed "the volatile grenade", that they had nothing to fear.

Search Engine Wars

The ongoing corporate battle between Google and Yahoo turned up a few degrees in recent days. Google proudly showcased its offices in Dublin, Ireland, which feature bean bag chairs, scrumptious employee food, staff massage chairs and at least two foosball tables.

Meanwhile, Yahoo countered by offering to have Kevin Sites perform with an unidentified Persian musical instrument at any and all employee parties.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Wedge Issues

On the one hand, the nine-hole golf course in Walvis Bay, Namibia has no greens, tees, water or grass and the fierce desert winds are constantly driving sand into your face. On the other hand, looks like you only need one club.

Wiretapping Has Never Been So Catchy

Walt Handelsman's latest... and I must say, if the folks listening to our phone calls were this musically inclined, I'd have less of a problem with the whole eavesdropping thing.

Okay, I wouldn't. But at least it would give us all something to tap our toes to as the Constitution got flushed down the toilet.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Some Stuff to Talk About at Your Memorial Day BBQ

1. I realize he's got a tough, high-pressure, 24-7 kind of job, but do you ever get the feeling the President is enjoying himself a little too much? I mean, is he relaxed or just not paying attention?

2. Does a nun really need an umbrella?

3. Did some sort of "Remember to wear your surgical mask today" memo go out and I missed it? Everyone from South Korean honor guards to Russian anti-gay protestors were sporting them over the past 24 hours and it's kind of got me a little nervous.

4. Am I the only one who thinks things may have gone too far now that there are Civil War widow re-enactors?

5. Is there ever a good reason to wear something like this on your head? I don't care if he is the president of Slovenia -- he looks like he lost a bar bet.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Congratulations, Tall Boston Law Student

You fooled 'em. Now if you can just keep fooling 'em until you retire, you'll be in business.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Feel Free to Move Your Chairs

Lamest. Screening Room. Ever.

Exactly Like Gunfire, Except Not

Speaking to Fox Television, Rep. Jim Saxton of New Jersey admitted it was his erroneous report of gunfire that shut down the Capitol for more than five hours today. Incidentally, here's what Wikipedia has to say about the congressman:
Saxton is strongly conservative. He has voted to ban abortion, stem cell research, and gay marriage; he's additionally voted against campaign finance reform, gun control and gay adoption. He supports free trade and voted for CAFTA, the Flag Desecration Amendment, and supports aggressive foreign policy, having voted for the Iraq War Resolution in 2003. He supports the privatization of social security and school vouchers, as well as ending the Department of Education.
So basically, sounds like Friday was just like any other day for Rep. Saxton in his ongoing quest to stop any and all progress in the country dead in its tracks.

Aww, Canada's All Grows Up

Since Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper took office, he's fought gun control, the use of medical marijuana and withdrawn the previous administration's support for the Kyoto Protocol on global warming. Now, Harper has decided to stop talking to the national media because he says they're biased against him. He says he plans instead to talk only to members of the local press, with whom he's apparently on much friendlier terms. "We'll just take the message out on the road," Harper said. "There's lots of media who do want to ask questions and hear what the government is doing for Canadians, or to Canadians."

Nice to see we're still good at exporting something, even if it's arrogance, ignorance and indifference.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

We Report, You Decide (#2)

So what do we think -- Schwarzenegger, Carrot Top, same guy? It explains a whole lot.

This Is Getting Ugly

Moments after declaring that the U.S. was still "numero uno" in star making technology, Pres. Bush backed up his claim by producing a large cluster of white, five-pointed stars simply by closing his eyes and focusing his thoughts. The demonstration, which took place in Washington today, was viewed as a direct response to Venezuela President Hugo Chavez, who recently demonstrated that his country had acquired star-making abilities. Venezuela remains years behind the U.S., however, since their process is still index finger-oriented and is only capable of producing pink stars, which are widely considered to be far less effective than the white variety.

We Report, You Decide

Obscene, or just stupid?

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Is It Just Me... (#2)

... or should someone be telling the Beatles Story Museum in Liverpool that Clay Aiken stole one of their wax Beatles heads?

Just Askin'

If, after much deliberation, I've decided that the soccer ball contact lens designed by a German company for the upcoming World Cup tournament sickens me slightly less than the American flag contact lens, does that mean I'm being unpatriotic?

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

If I'm Being Honest... (#1)

... I really hate Wisconsin's quarter. They can put whatever they want on the back of a quarter and they choose a cow and a wheel of cheese?

As for Colorado, well, I don't hate it as much as Wisconsin's. But seriously -- the most eloquent thing they could come up with to memorialize their state on the back of a quarter was "Colorful Colorado"? Kind of get the feeling they punted.

Veterinary Medicine Isn't Pretty

From the yellow-tips of their dorky rubber boots to the tippy-tops of their shrink-wrapped, hockey-helmeted heads, veterinarians may be a noble breed but snappy dressers they ain't. Then again, it could be worse. They could be a Dutch policeman.

What's kind of amusing is Dutch policewomen are apparently complaining that their new uniform blouses are see-through when you'd think it'd be the shoes they'd be bitching about. Makes you think Dutch criminals should wear flip-flops just to make a foot chase even.

It's China's Century

Have to hand it to China -- they're kicking our asses in every phase of the game. They've only been in power since 1949 and already their dresses can hold more drinks than ours...

Their security personnel are far more respectful of public transportation...

Even their art is penis-ier.

We're doomed.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Winners and Losers in the Balkans

Montenegro voted for independence from Serbia on Sunday, which means Serbia will soon lose its coastline and become a landlocked nation. Among those said to be taking it the hardest are the Serbs, those members of the Serbian Navy who hadn't taken all their sick days and anyone connected to or who had money invested in the Serbian beach umbrella or beach paddle tennis industries.

At Least We Agree On Something

South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham talking about the prospects of immigration legislation in today's LA Times:
"If we walk away from the table, the American voter is going to walk away from us," said Graham, a member of the Senate Judiciary Committee. "We're in charge of the House, we're in charge of the Senate, we're in charge of the White House. We got nobody else to blame."
I have my differences with Sen. Graham but I do appreciate his nod to logic, rational thought and the laws of gravity. The Republicans are in charge and they do "got" nobody else to blame.

There's another interesting piece on the front page of the Times that's worth a read, as well.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Mark Twain Was Right -- A Fish Stinks From the Head

An educational day was had by all as President Bush traveled to San Luis, Arizona and learned about U.S. border security operations while Gordon the Border Patrol dog learned what lame duck smells like.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Lamest Presidential Gala Ever

Sorry NASCAR fans, but a race car-themed Republican National Committee gala is about as neato cool as a race car-themed bed. Who are they going after -- the six-year-old vote? And how long do you suppose they spent coming up with that clever, not at all painfully obvious "Race to Victory" slogan? Gee, can't wait to see what kind of magical experience these folks are going to whip up for us in '07.

Milking It

Okay look, I don't like posting these pictures any more than you like looking at them. But sometimes the kids need to hear the truth straight and unvarnished, so here goes. Kids -- it's never, ever necessary to make this face when you're telling a joke. Ever. That face won't make what you're saying any funnier and you'll just come off as desperate and pathetic. And unlike with President Bush, people won't laugh when you're finished. Trust me, if there's no presidential seal on that podium, the guy's hearing crickets.

Now run along and finish your homework.

Maybe a Flash Would Help

Rep. Katherine Harris is shown here taking a photograph of the back of President Bush's head with her cell phone during today's signing of a $70 billion tax-cut extension. Kind of odd, don't you think? I mean, you'd think she'd have every inch of it already committed to memory, given that it's pretty much all she's seen of Bush or anyone else as they tried to run away from her Senate campaign.

Q: How Many Republicans Can You Squeeze Into a Photo-Op?

Above is a screenshot from Yahoo News showing the President signing the Tax Relief Extension Reconciliation Act of 2005 on the South Lawn of the White House today. As the AP points out, Republicans are hoping the $70 billion tax-cut package "will ingratiate them with voters as they head into midterm elections with worries about holding control of Congress."

But I'd like to draw your attention to the "RELATED" section on the lower right:

Oh, I'd say that "package" is far more than "suspicious". I'd say that "package" is downright desperate.

Can't I Just Hand Out Coffee?

The Pentagon Force Protection Agency staged a full-scale bio-exercise drill today called Gallant Fox '06, the purpose of which was to allow officials the opportunity to practice how to respond to a bio-attack at the Pentagon. And while I tip my hat to all the Red Cross volunteers who generously agreed to participate in the event, I would have really loved to have been in the room when people were told who was going to get carried away in a blanket and who was going to have to strip naked to the waist and get hosed down by some guy in a bio-hazard suit.